12 September 2014

When life is good

Sorrow (Woman by the Table, Crying Woman), 1892
Jozsef Rippl-Ronai
I've gone through a lot of changes in the past few years. Between coming out, divorcing Monty, relocating to a new state, and meeting Bo, it's been a bit chaotic in my life for quite some time.

Things are settling now, but with the lack of chaos and mini-crises to focus on, I find myself once again struggling with anxiety and, to some extent, depression.

To many who know me, it's not a secret that I struggled with depression and anxiety in high school and college, and following the births of my children. It was hard, but I was able to get the help I needed to overcome the worst of it, and I now have tools I can use to cope with these feelings when they come up again. (Because it's a lifelong struggle.)

When life is busy and chaotic, my mind doesn't have time to think about depression and anxiety. I'm too busy doing everything that needs to be done to get through each day. It's only when things settle--when life is good--that those feelings and thoughts begin to creep back into my mind.

Now that things are significantly more settled in my life--and are unlikely to drastically change in the next few years--I find myself feeling a bit more anxious. Life is good, so my head has decided to play tricks on me.

Right now the anxiety is minor, and really only in my periphery. But it's there, and I know that if I don't use the tools and support I have to head it off now, it could be much more difficult to work through later.

So now that things are less chaotic, I'll be taking the time I need for myself to take care of myself. I'll be eating better, exercising regularly, and leaning on Bo (and the rest of my support system) to remind me that depression lies.

Life is good.

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