29 July 2016

I was supposed to go to the doctor today

I've been posting about health-related things lately. They've kind of been dominating my attention.

Like today.

For the first time in my life, I had to cancel something because of fibromyalgia pain. (Well, let me clarify. I had to cancel something beyond hanging out with friends/family.) I was supposed to go to my dermatologist's office this morning for a follow-up appointment. But because of my incredibly high pain levels, I had to cancel.

This is just one more example of how my life and my self is different because of chronic illness. I can't always go and do and be as easily as I once could.

I'm adapting. Trying.

26 July 2016

In anticipation of next week

I decided to make an appointment with a therapist.

My appointment is next week, and it's with a new therapist. In fact, I haven't been in counseling since just after Puck was born.

Since then, I've been able to manage my anxiety on my own. No medication, no therapy appointments. There have been some really hard times. It was hard to get through the divorce, and it was really hard when I moved from Illinois to Florida after the divorce. I felt very alone for quite some time then.

I was mostly okay for quite a while. I had a good balance between my personal and professional lives. Then I met the Wifey and fell in love and had an amazing source of support from her and her family.

But for a while, my anxiety and depression levels have been slowly creeping up to a new normal. It started out so slowly that I didn't notice. But then I started noticing that when I had an anxiety attack, my anxiety levels stayed higher than I wanted for much longer than I was used to.

And it didn't go away.

So after trying to deal with it on my own, I've decided to go back into therapy. Maybe I should have a while ago. I don't know. But I am now.

I'm nervous about my upcoming appointment. I'm glad they were able to get me in pretty quickly, particularly as a new patient. I was worried I'd have to wait a while, and I would have been much more likely to cancel (and not reschedule).

I know it's the right decision for me. If I don't take care of myself, I can't take care of my family. Since I know I've been struggling with depression and anxiety most of my life, I know that I have to take care of myself in this way sometimes.

Depression and anxiety are liars. And things will get better. They are getting better.

20 July 2016

As we near the end of summer

Summer is one of the slow times in my work. My primary work revolves around the academic year, so I have a lull in the summer and in December/January.

Image source: punsayaporn / freedigitalphotos.net
This year I had mixed feelings about getting to the lull. My workload in spring was quite heavy, and I needed the break once it finally came. At the same time, the void left by a lack of work was a bit frightening, knowing that my work is what our family relies on for survival.

Work picked up a little bit this month, and I know that the levels will return to normal soon. And eventually, I'll be looking forward to the break I get at the end of the year.

Despite the lull in work, I've tried to stay productive. I'm working on a few things that have to stay in the background for now, and this has been a good time to do some administrative work, get some elements lined up, and prepare for the fall season of work.

Each week and month that passes, I'm taking steps to move my career in the direction I want it to go. I'm closer to the career person I want to be, and I'm excited about what's coming.

In the meantime, I'm enjoying my summer lull, the extra time with the kids, and the chance to let myself rest a bit before the chaos of autumn begins.

How's your summer going?

18 July 2016

I've been in an air-conditioned nest of introversion....

I've kind of been hiding out this month. The family took a trip over the Fourth of July to visit my in-laws. It was fun but draining. When we got back, life was not really settled, and I've been feeling depression and anxiety slowly, steadily pulling a cold, dark cloak over my head.

I was trying desperately to stay ahead of it, but I just couldn't manage to do it this time. I'm having to let it run its course.

So I'm doing the best I can to keep moving, one step at a time, and lean heavily on the people who are always there for me.

Eventually (hopefully soon), I'll be able to shrug my way out of the cloak and move back to something resembling normalcy.

In the meantime, I'm doing what I can.