tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9694037229302089142024-03-12T19:20:00.566-04:00The Coffee-Stained WriterNPhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01971083012537277697noreply@blogger.comBlogger1300125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-969403722930208914.post-84382248404333211632017-06-13T09:35:00.000-04:002017-07-07T23:04:11.596-04:00We are still here....<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh-xKohyf9JBqYPFahbRSZjJcsCb8FRx2QA7r_J1u3fi5g7iNbukEbNS6eJPbJ2AWJiI8IxcNpVQLc6k6zWQwu9gE1rI-VOds1hm_3yFyAFyr2atRdHyFxUaWM3VVpX7snHtu3L1Lt9RPk/s1600/images.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="168" data-original-width="300" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh-xKohyf9JBqYPFahbRSZjJcsCb8FRx2QA7r_J1u3fi5g7iNbukEbNS6eJPbJ2AWJiI8IxcNpVQLc6k6zWQwu9gE1rI-VOds1hm_3yFyAFyr2atRdHyFxUaWM3VVpX7snHtu3L1Lt9RPk/s1600/images.jpg" /></a></div>
I debated fiercely with myself as to whether or not I should post about the anniversary of the tragedy that occurred a <a href="http://www.cityoforlando.net/blog/victims/">year ago yesterday</a> at Orlando's Pulse nightclub.<br />
<br />
But I have to.<br />
<br />
Though I'm currently living in the panhandle of Florida, a year ago I was living in Orlando not too far from where the nightclub was located. Not near enough to hear what happened (or even the sirens as emergency personnel arrived on scene), but close enough to say, "Shit."<br />
<br />
But more than that, <i>it was my community</i>.<br />
<br />
I'm a lesbian, and while I have been lucky to not experience violence in my own life as a result of my sexual identity, when something like this happens anywhere in the world, we all feel it. Our hearts ache. We all cry.<br />
<br />
We cry because we know it could have so, so easily have been us in the wrong place at the wrong time. We cry because in a tight-knit community like that, if you didn't lose someone, you know someone who lost someone. We cry because it is senseless violence. We cry because our government tells us we should be past this.<br />
<br />
In June 2015, the Supreme Court told me that I am equal. That my marriage is equal.<br />
<br />
In June 2016, a gunman told me that things don't change that quickly.<br />
<br />
I still cry when I think about what happened. And in the weeks and months immediately following that day, when the entire city, state, nation, world was painted in rainbow pulses and we mourned together, I was reluctant to leave my home. I walked with greater awareness of my surroundings. I worried about what the future might bring for my family.<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi2JpAPaOBRe4MBalLYewOoadirNcQ_0cAiIN0PcSWo8bd2-W8KrIRwU_H2dWhd8svCw9vwfGug6c6-pChv-JOHhJ8CSVkgMsB21czN7ZUIkcrfZPKNCf4IgCU4YiJTuRj297uI3v_Ojq8/s1600/Pride.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1064" data-original-width="1600" height="212" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi2JpAPaOBRe4MBalLYewOoadirNcQ_0cAiIN0PcSWo8bd2-W8KrIRwU_H2dWhd8svCw9vwfGug6c6-pChv-JOHhJ8CSVkgMsB21czN7ZUIkcrfZPKNCf4IgCU4YiJTuRj297uI3v_Ojq8/s320/Pride.jpg" width="320" /></a></div>
<br />
You can't help but think those things when it's your community.<br />
<br />
And yet in these moments of memory and continued grief, I'm acutely aware of my privilege. I am a white, cis female who identifies as lesbian. I'm on the feminine end of the spectrum and can easily pass as straight. I don't raise eyebrows when I go into the women's room in a public place. I don't have to be afraid like so many of my brothers and sisters do.<br />
<br />
But I am also aware that we are one community. When any of us is hurting, we are all hurting. It was out of this sense of community that we professed<br />
<br />
<div style="text-align: center;">
<b><i><span style="font-size: large;">ONE PULSE</span></i></b></div>
<br />
We are one community. We are one pulse. We are one voice.<br />
<br />
So the loudest of us (those with privilege, like me) must use that volume to give voice to those who don't have voices of their own. Or who are not in a position to use their voices. Or who need someone to hold their hands and say<br />
<br />
<i>You can pee next to me.</i><br />
<i><br /></i>
because society isn't quite where it should be yet.<br />
<br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgga20aCenXDkXhxdDNoL5lRlkuAC7YvzSfQqAjTJIc2VMsWsIp7fcK5Mc3KZlkNQSLucd5HgBFekty8_DK1qb_8xrIwef_MIDOYtJXW6V5NFzQz0b4eR17UpWzkmWyXflezf6WbWrxkAY/s1600/orlando-victims-names-videoSixteenByNine1050.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="591" data-original-width="1050" height="225" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgga20aCenXDkXhxdDNoL5lRlkuAC7YvzSfQqAjTJIc2VMsWsIp7fcK5Mc3KZlkNQSLucd5HgBFekty8_DK1qb_8xrIwef_MIDOYtJXW6V5NFzQz0b4eR17UpWzkmWyXflezf6WbWrxkAY/s400/orlando-victims-names-videoSixteenByNine1050.jpg" width="400" /></a></div>
<br />Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-969403722930208914.post-70600229695878580652017-05-23T09:14:00.000-04:002017-05-23T09:14:02.697-04:00A Review of Healing from Hidden Abuse by Shannon Thomas<table cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="float: right; margin-left: 1em; text-align: right;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhjrk-3M5f5UaGeN59r8QTYaKSgxY5pQDXaZ28ArsYZVZXs1gCGFCtfSUx6_XBeh12QZx0DBdJCzppb4AvCh0oMxfVdJuyA8EFJXqWfDK4GGaWJle77g2taPl0gXtiuUJM0sV5ELihVeiI/s1600/51kfnwX7hfL._SX322_BO1%252C204%252C203%252C200_.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhjrk-3M5f5UaGeN59r8QTYaKSgxY5pQDXaZ28ArsYZVZXs1gCGFCtfSUx6_XBeh12QZx0DBdJCzppb4AvCh0oMxfVdJuyA8EFJXqWfDK4GGaWJle77g2taPl0gXtiuUJM0sV5ELihVeiI/s320/51kfnwX7hfL._SX322_BO1%252C204%252C203%252C200_.jpg" width="207" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://www.indiebound.org/book/9780997829082">Purchase a copy</a></td></tr>
</tbody></table>
I have been taking time and space for self-care when I can lately. It's been hard because work has been busy, but I'm moving into the lull now, so I'll have more time to do what I need to do.<br />
<br />
One of the important things I've been doing is giving voice to experiences I've had, accepting some hard truths about those experiences, and moving forward in healing.<br />
<br />
That's why I decided to take the advice given to me from multiple people and read Shannon Thomas's <i><a href="http://healingfromhiddenabuse.com/">Healing from Hidden Abuse</a></i>.<br />
<br />
The book is written by a licensed counselor who specializes in helping people heal from psychological abuse. In addition, she is a survivor herself, giving her perspective that not all therapists do. She speaks with authority not only because of her education and career, but because of her personal experiences, as well.<br />
<br />
It's structured well. The book begins by explaining what psychological abuse is (and how it differs from other forms of abuse), common characteristics of psychological abusers, and how to recognize this type of abuse in different parts of your life. The second portion of the book goes through six phases of recovery from psychological abuse, explaining what the phases are and how survivors (<i>survivors</i>, not victims) can incorporate these phases of healing into their own lives regardless of who is abusing them. At the back of the book are workbook/journal/reflection pages that the reader can use to apply what is learned from the book to their own situations.<br />
<br />
This book was valuable to me. It gave me a foundation of education on an important topic in my life and is providing me with terminology and education I can use to speak my truth about what has happened to me throughout my life.<br />
<br />
Most importantly, the book has shown me that I'm not alone in what I've experienced.<br />
<br />
And I'm not crazy.<br />
<br />
And I didn't do anything wrong.<br />
<br />
And if that had been all I'd gotten from the book, it would have been worth the read. It gave me much more than that. I have more reading to do on this topic as I heal and recover. but this was an excellent start.Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-969403722930208914.post-76772946477170706112017-05-15T10:02:00.000-04:002017-05-15T10:02:17.685-04:00In which I am out to my grandmother....<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjUc4vPNhHxj5_STT1mhP5pX4CUzLPirG3q7lAQsrf3elT2SJercH038la37F06fufBIZ4TvuWRG1Kg5TZ4H4-qjuL6IT6BoV7UBXROPSTBN4gI6Hy8kkPdduAjinEgkmnpnX7vcnEI_Q4/s1600/safe+space+logo.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" height="264" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjUc4vPNhHxj5_STT1mhP5pX4CUzLPirG3q7lAQsrf3elT2SJercH038la37F06fufBIZ4TvuWRG1Kg5TZ4H4-qjuL6IT6BoV7UBXROPSTBN4gI6Hy8kkPdduAjinEgkmnpnX7vcnEI_Q4/s320/safe+space+logo.jpg" width="320" /></a></div>
I've been living out for almost five and a half years.<br />
<br />
I came out first to my immediate family, including my ex-husband, which led to our divorce. I came out to my close friends.<br />
<br />
But I didn't come out to my grandmother.<br />
<br />
Part of the reason for this was a request by my father that I shouldn't have honored. But that was only part of it. I was also afraid to come out to her.<br />
<br />
My grandmother and I were once <i>very</i> close. When I was in high school and through part of college, I lived with my dad and my brother; my mom had primary custody of my other brother and my sister. It was a hard period of my life, and I wouldn't have gotten through it without my grandmother's love and support. She was an oasis in the windswept desert of my life. I respect her and her role in my life. I was afraid that if I came out to her, the one person whose opinion I respected more than just about anything in my life would turn her back on me. That I would lose her.<br />
<br />
So I didn't tell her.<br />
<br />
I didn't see her often when I was living in the same state, and then I moved four states away back to Florida and our relationship faded somewhat. We both kept in touch, but it wasn't like it was before.<br />
<br />
And I didn't tell her.<br />
<br />
When I started dating Bo, my relationship with my dad became very strained. As that relationship faded, it was easy to not tell Grammy because I didn't see her and didn't really talk to her. By this time, everyone else in the family knew, so I assumed she did, too. And it just was what it was.<br />
<br />
My grandmother recently went through cancer. It was bad for a while. She's finished her treatments and is doing better now. I called her before her last surgery, and we reconnected a bit. I've talked to her a couple of times since then, and she's sounded better each time.<br />
<br />
The last time I spoke with her, she told me she wanted me to bring the kids to visit. She's only seen them once since I moved back to Florida. And though it may sound a bit dark, I don't know how much longer she'll be around. She needs to see her great-grandchildren. At least once more. And I can't take that trip without my wife. I won't pretend that I'm not remarried or that the kids don't have two moms. I have to live authentically for myself, for my kids, for my wife.<br />
<br />
So I wrote my grandmother a letter and came out to her. I told her that I'm married and that I'm happy.<br />
<br />
And I waited.<br />
<br />
I was sure that if I got any response at all, it would be a heartbreaking letter disowning me, damning me to hell. I was sure I'd lose her.<br />
<br />
I didn't.<br />
<br />
She sent me a birthday note that said:<br />
<blockquote class="tr_bq">
<i>You are still my granddaughter and I still love you. I have to trust that you are happy. Don't leave God out of your life.</i></blockquote>
That in itself was enough for me. She didn't hate me. She didn't disown me. She accepts that, no matter what she thinks or feels about homosexuality, I am happy.<br />
<br />
But was was so much more poignant for me was that the envelope was addressed to my married name.<br />
<br />
<table cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="float: left; margin-right: 1em; text-align: left;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjF4DIBT2LcIUVNrqVxZ_XK2yBmYT6KtVLK-iA-XRoa7MCHLWHvQUG6fAk2SkNhE2WCdQSX0FyjgaU7B6qCFe8SoLllaw_oz40ipr1Vhr65-0kLwXN753uAY-_FkxSEQmnb1gPseYZXMk4/s1600/2A1A6606.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="213" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjF4DIBT2LcIUVNrqVxZ_XK2yBmYT6KtVLK-iA-XRoa7MCHLWHvQUG6fAk2SkNhE2WCdQSX0FyjgaU7B6qCFe8SoLllaw_oz40ipr1Vhr65-0kLwXN753uAY-_FkxSEQmnb1gPseYZXMk4/s320/2A1A6606.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">October 2015<br />Photo by <a href="http://aharrisphotography.com/">A. Harris Photography</a></td></tr>
</tbody></table>
She made the conscious choice to write the married last name of her lesbian granddaughter on the envelope.<br />
<br />
She didn't have to. She could have written my previously-married name or my maiden name or have left a last name off entirely. But she didn't. She wrote my name.<br />
<br />
She validated my wife's role in my life and validated a marriage she may not believe should even be legal.<br />
<br />
I was so afraid of how she would react when I came out to her. And I know that it's likely she isn't a-ok about it. I know it's likely she may never be "okay" about it. It may always be a source of tension between us.<br />
<br />
But she accepts it.<br />
<br />
And that's enough for me.Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-969403722930208914.post-46908526119722634932017-04-12T10:00:00.000-04:002017-04-12T11:36:35.834-04:00Managing anxiety in the current political climateThe news is scary.<br />
<br />
And the more days that pass, the scarier it seems to get.<br />
<br />
People in power are making decisions that have serious and long-lasting implications, and they don't seem to realize or care about those implications. Their sights are set elsewhere.<br />
<br />
For someone like me who struggles with anxiety, the political climate can be even more scary. There are <a href="https://www.whitehouse.gov/briefing-room/presidential-actions/executive-orders">measures being enacted</a> that have a direct and significant impact on millions of Americans and <a href="https://www.nytimes.com/2017/04/07/us/politics/syria-strike-trump-timeline.html?_r=0">people all over the world</a>. There are people in this country who are dying because of measures being passed and actions being allowed in this country.<br />
<br />
<table cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="float: right; margin-left: 1em; text-align: right;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjw5B3Zu7vuYtlQUpnN-Xv8TYxfqeLdAQx1YDA0FSyEqUgzQIxa4bBXkA61xnKtRzBrXOzkwtPxXo252MruOQdl9SaVUV7lH9bDJYwM-yre8FmnophgK04zdkE10uNePgLUFvkbEgXwOv0/s1600/ID-100308511.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="212" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjw5B3Zu7vuYtlQUpnN-Xv8TYxfqeLdAQx1YDA0FSyEqUgzQIxa4bBXkA61xnKtRzBrXOzkwtPxXo252MruOQdl9SaVUV7lH9bDJYwM-yre8FmnophgK04zdkE10uNePgLUFvkbEgXwOv0/s320/ID-100308511.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><br /></td></tr>
</tbody></table>
We live in a country that claims vehemently to be the <i style="font-weight: bold;">land of the free and the home of the brave</i>, but because of how the people in charge are behaving, the people who are brave are not free. The people who are free are not brave. And the people who are benefiting from anything and everything that's happened since January are perfectly willing to turn blind eyes to all the pain and heartache they're causing.<br />
<br />
They aren't impacted because they pass measures that protect <i>themselves</i>, not the American people.<br />
<br />
So for people who have anxiety -- like me -- it's hard to be a social justice warrior. It's hard to look at everything that's happening and not feel it. But neither can you just ignore what's happening. Once you see social justice issues and what's actually happening in this world, you can't <i>not</i> see it anymore.<br />
<br />
So what do you do?<br />
<br />
<b>Remember that self-care is health care.</b><br />
<b><br /></b>
Taking care of your mental health needs are essential. Engaging in today's politics is emotionally and mentally taxing. For someone with anxiety, it can be even more difficult. You have to remember that this fight is a long-term fight, and it won't be over in a few days or weeks (or months). Very probably, we will be fighting for the next four years. If you don't take care of yourself through this process, in whatever capacity that means, you can't resist. You can't engage. You can't fight. <i>Self-care is health care.</i><br />
<i><br /></i>
<b>Fight from where you are.</b><br />
<b><br /></b>
Every person has different talents and skills. Some people are organizers, some are marchers/protesters, some are talkers, some are writers. Due to my anxiety, I'm probably not going to organize a march in my community. I probably won't give a speech at a rally. But I can blog and share articles on Facebook and tweet and engage in digital conversations. So to keep my anxiety from keeping me from resisting, I have to do what I do best: engage online. If I try to do something that's outside my talents and skills, I'll be much more likely to be highly anxious, and may not be able to keep fighting. So it's important to fight from where you are so you can keep fighting.<br />
<br />
<b>Know that <i>you are not alone</i> in this fight.</b><br />
<b><br /></b>
Sometimes it can be easy to look at everything that's happening and think it's too much to do. "I'm just one person. What impact can I have?" Of course, there are many, many stories about individuals who fought to change the world and were successful. But you have to remember that even those individual people who have made such significant changes didn't do it entirely alone. They started the process, but they relied on lots of others who also helped them accomplish their goals. An individual may have started the conversation, but others amplified the voice. Others marched alongside the individual. You don't have to do it on your own. All you have to do is what you can do. Let others pick up slack, let others support you, let others help carry the weight. <i>You are not alone</i>.<br />
<br />
There's a lot to cause anxiety in society these days. And it can be hard to fight for what's right when you're trying to stand against your own anxiety. Don't let the anxiety win. Take care of yourself so you can keep fighting the good fight.<br />
<br />
And I'll be here to fight with you every step of the way.Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-969403722930208914.post-38496852961376871072017-02-15T09:27:00.000-05:002017-02-15T09:27:03.143-05:00Explaining politics to kids<table cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="float: right; margin-left: 1em; text-align: right;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg-yxmLv442joo_0abrJhScb4S_5bD1oDFPrm86Noq8YDZ6rIDBvfruOqwks02QbqMmp6JxGpoVj23iLLigbLRKSAcKJ-pNwkxTAv8IJEt5mSyIu7b_S8-w9T1GVR-54lO8MFcTAxpLeFE/s1600/IMG_20161108_110345.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg-yxmLv442joo_0abrJhScb4S_5bD1oDFPrm86Noq8YDZ6rIDBvfruOqwks02QbqMmp6JxGpoVj23iLLigbLRKSAcKJ-pNwkxTAv8IJEt5mSyIu7b_S8-w9T1GVR-54lO8MFcTAxpLeFE/s320/IMG_20161108_110345.jpg" width="256" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">We voted!<br />(November 2016)</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
Our kids are homeschooled, and I used Election Day as an opportunity to introduce the kids to American politics.<br />
<br />
On Election Day they went with me to the polls and I explained why it's important for people to vote and who is permitted to vote.* Wyatt informed me that even though their dad's dog Suros should be able to vote because he's an <i>American </i>husky, he can't vote because he's not old enough.<br />
<br />
One of the volunteers was kind enough to give the kids their own voting stickers, which made them feel involved.<br />
<br />
That night, we watched the returns. Wyatt was <i>really </i>excited as results came in. He kept track of where the candidates were and how many points they needed to win. Eventually, he went to bed, but I promised to tell him the next morning who won.<br />
<br />
After we left the polls the kids asked me who I voted for, and I told them I voted for Clinton. When Wyatt asked me why, I told him.<br />
<br />
I explained that it's important that the president represent the people and make decisions that protect the health and safety of everyone who lives in the United States. That's why people get to vote for president. So that whoever is elected president is elected because that's who most of the people in the country want to lead and represent them.**<br />
<br />
But I explained that the reason I didn't vote for Trump is that when he talked about what he wanted to do as president, he wants to do things that will hurt people instead of protecting them. I explained that a lot of people who worked with him on the campaign think that Bo and I shouldn't be married. And I explained that there are a lot of people who want to come to the United States because it's safer for them, but he doesn't want them to be allowed to be here.<br />
<br />
To which Wyatt said, "That's silly. America is supposed to let everyone in."<br />
<br />
Yes, my dear. That's exactly right.<br />
<br />
When I explained to Wyatt and Lilly that Trump won the election, they were disappointed in their don't-quite-understand-it way. They knew I voted for Clinton, so they wanted her to win. And they know that I don't like the outcome. They know I'm worried about what the new administration is going to do.<br />
<br />
So I reminded them of the importance of voting. I told them that when they're old enough it's important to vote so their voices are heard, and so they can be sure that whoever is in charge -- at whatever level -- is working to protect people. And I told them that if the people in charge aren't doing their jobs, it's important for them to speak up about it and make changes. That it's their right and duty as Americans to be active in their government.<br />
<br />
They get it.<br />
<br />
They're five and seven years old.<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
-----<br />
*I kept it simple: Americans of at least 18 years old.<br />
**Again. Keeping it simple, y'all.Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-969403722930208914.post-90684628669120566412017-01-31T10:07:00.000-05:002017-01-31T10:07:02.322-05:00Check your privilege. Then use it.Last week I had the privilege of speaking with a friend of mine about politics for her <a href="https://www.sparemin.com/myrecording/6954/">podcast on SpareMin</a>.* Before our talk, <a href="https://twitter.com/abiwurdeman?lang=en">Abi</a> told me she didn't really have an agenda for the conversation. She was really leaving it open to anything having to do with politics or my post-election life.<br />
<br />
<table cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="float: left; margin-right: 1em; text-align: left;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEixNLvero5mfb2Puk1zKXHB9HbcBGPeamBDYiI44_MMYvMnxwPL1bL1BEa5W6kGWomnm6W4EItw6jL8X3vOqIdkoXESoEagisN7IiGe8s7N0rA3EemD1uascunhPRIFYO4kh95BEegXYzw/s1600/poster-316690_1280.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEixNLvero5mfb2Puk1zKXHB9HbcBGPeamBDYiI44_MMYvMnxwPL1bL1BEa5W6kGWomnm6W4EItw6jL8X3vOqIdkoXESoEagisN7IiGe8s7N0rA3EemD1uascunhPRIFYO4kh95BEegXYzw/s320/poster-316690_1280.jpg" width="247" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://pixabay.com/en/poster-vintage-antique-war-316690/">Image source</a></td></tr>
</tbody></table>
That's a <i>really</i> broad topic.<br />
<br />
As the conversation progressed, we talked about how to make a difference from where you are and what it means to be an ally. And that's what I want to address here today.<br />
<br />
There are people I know who claim to be allies in this fight. They share memes on Facebook and make rainbow profile pictures and talk about how they're advocates for LGBTQ rights and want to fight for people like me, for families like mine.<br />
<br />
But so much of the time, these people are allies because they want people to see them being allies. They want people to know they're allies. It becomes much less about advocacy and ally-ship, and much more about the appearance of advocacy and ally-ship.<br />
<br />
There are people who come from a place of privilege (white cishet folks, for example) who are protesting and talking about protests the way tourists talk about cities. They want others to see them as allies and they want the experience of being known as allies.<br />
<br />
That's not what people need.<br />
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
</div>
As a lesbian, I am a minority, and under the Trump administration, my rights are under threat. My <i>safety</i> is under threat. While I once walked down the street with my wife and children worried that I might get side eye, now I fear that someone will physically put their hands on my wife or on me. Or even worse, on the kids. There have been moments since the election that I literally fear for my long-term safety in this country. Because the election of Donald Trump normalized and legitimized hatred and bigotry in this country.<br />
<br />
And there are people I know who claim that they understand that fear when they don't. There are people I know who say they know how I feel. That they have experienced the same kind of hatred I have experienced. That they are in fear, as well.<br />
<br />
But they aren't.<br />
<br />
How can they be?<br />
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjUc4vPNhHxj5_STT1mhP5pX4CUzLPirG3q7lAQsrf3elT2SJercH038la37F06fufBIZ4TvuWRG1Kg5TZ4H4-qjuL6IT6BoV7UBXROPSTBN4gI6Hy8kkPdduAjinEgkmnpnX7vcnEI_Q4/s1600/safe+space+logo.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" height="264" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjUc4vPNhHxj5_STT1mhP5pX4CUzLPirG3q7lAQsrf3elT2SJercH038la37F06fufBIZ4TvuWRG1Kg5TZ4H4-qjuL6IT6BoV7UBXROPSTBN4gI6Hy8kkPdduAjinEgkmnpnX7vcnEI_Q4/s320/safe+space+logo.jpg" width="320" /></a></div>
The vast majority of cishet folks have <i>no idea</i> what it's like to be hated because of who they are and who they love. They have <i>no idea</i> what it's like to be questioned when they say they are attracted to someone. To be asked, "Are you sure?" or "How do you know?" or to be told that your soul will burn for all of eternity because of your genetics. By people who are supposed to love you.<br />
<br />
But everything happening in this country lately is changing people, and making them think that because they disagree with this or that policy, they're the same as the people whose lives are in danger because of those policies.<br />
<br />
They're tourists. Not allies.<br />
<br />
Here's the thing. Unless you <i>actually experience</i> the issue addressed, you can't claim to know what it's like.<br />
<br />
You may have similar (<i>but different</i>) experiences. For example, I have experienced hatred because I am gay. This is similar (<i>but very different</i>) from the experiences of people of color who experience hatred because of their ethnicities or skin colors. But because I am white, I <i>cannot</i> know what it means to be a person of color in this country and in this social climate. I can empathize. I can be angry and react. But I can't know.<br />
<br />
That's why it is so important for allies to understand <i>how</i> to be allies.<br />
<br />
As a white woman, the most important thing I can do to be an ally for others is to <i>share their stories</i>. I have privilege as a white woman that others do not have. And instead of trying to stand on my sexuality as a way to say "I know how you feel," it's so much more important for me to use my privilege to extend their voices. To give them a voice where they do not have one. To share their stories so they are heard.<br />
<br />
So often, when I want to be an ally on Facebook or Twitter, the best and most important thing I can do is share articles and tweets and status updates from people who are actually experiencing the issue.<br />
<br />
If I want to bring attention to the <a href="http://blacklivesmatter.com/">Black Lives Matter</a> movement, how can I possible speak about race in this country with any kind of credibility or authority? But what I can do is to amplify the voices of people who <i>do</i> have authority and credibility. I can use my privilege as a white woman to give voice to women, men, and children who are overlooked and ignored.<br />
<br />
People listen to me because I'm white. So why wouldn't I use that privilege for good?<br />
<br />
The same is true for people who want to be LGBTQ allies.<br />
<br />
It's not about rainbows on Facebook or sharing memes or going to parades and throwing glitter. Because all that is show. It doesn't change anything in this country, and it doesn't mean you <i>understand</i> what it means to be gay in today's society.<br />
<br />
You can't pretend you don't have privilege. So don't. Instead, use it for good. Lift up the voices of others with <i>your</i> volume. Amplify their voices so theirs stories can be heard.<br />
<br />
Use the power you are granted because of who you are to share what others need to get the rights they deserve.<br />
<br />
Check your privilege.<br />
<br />
Then <i>use</i> it.<br />
<br />
-----<br />
*For more important conversations on <a href="https://www.sparemin.com/">SpareMin</a>, check out <a href="https://www.sparemin.com/abi_wurdeman">Abi's profile</a>.Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-969403722930208914.post-34074110791258437052017-01-16T10:00:00.000-05:002017-01-16T10:00:12.861-05:00Should we be scared?One of the things that has been concerning to me since the election (really, since the campaign, but before Election Day, there was still hope....) is that I am a gay woman married to a gay woman and we have two children.*<br />
<br />
And I live in a very <i>red </i>area of the nation.<br />
<br />
<table cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="float: right; margin-left: 1em; text-align: right;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgSCKdysnXHO3EM4UE4U9jzqt_qJyAB7DbgqJlMZJORVJfZozg4xuXjCsdp9TPTrB9mBXX_Bv0CMQ9WZ3JO4NTEwhNwq7krIxt2ZGYEmJTrTPGVga46yWmWJgtvPrTIz61NZPGJQQ5YGzE/s1600/carlo-allegri-donald-trump-lgbt-flag-2016-presidential-election.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="180" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgSCKdysnXHO3EM4UE4U9jzqt_qJyAB7DbgqJlMZJORVJfZozg4xuXjCsdp9TPTrB9mBXX_Bv0CMQ9WZ3JO4NTEwhNwq7krIxt2ZGYEmJTrTPGVga46yWmWJgtvPrTIz61NZPGJQQ5YGzE/s320/carlo-allegri-donald-trump-lgbt-flag-2016-presidential-election.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://qz.com/823649/donald-trump-unfurled-a-rainbow-flag-with-lgbt-written-on-it-at-a-rally-in-greeley-colorado-to-express-his-so-called-support/">Image source</a></td></tr>
</tbody></table>
Immediately following the election, there were <a href="http://www.advocate.com/election/2016/11/17/more-400-hate-incidents-reported-trumps-election">so</a>, <a href="https://www.splcenter.org/20161129/ten-days-after-harassment-and-intimidation-aftermath-election">so</a>, <a href="http://www.newyorker.com/news/news-desk/hate-on-the-rise-after-trumps-election">so</a> <a href="http://www.nydailynews.com/news/national/900-hate-attacks-reported-10-days-election-article-1.2891381">many</a> <a href="http://www.usatoday.com/story/news/2016/11/12/post-election-spate-hate-crimes-worse-than-post-911-experts-say/93681294/">reports</a> <a href="http://www.cnn.com/2016/11/10/us/post-election-hate-crimes-and-fears-trnd/">of violence</a> against so many people following the election, and the queer community is among those who have been targeted. Despite Trump's efforts to bridge the gap between his campaign and the queer community with a <a href="http://www.washingtontimes.com/news/2016/nov/2/donald-trump-holds-high-flag-gay-equality/">half-hearted wave of a rainbow flag on a stage</a>, he's not exactly a friend to those who identify as anything other than cis and straight (and white and male, but that's for another post).<br />
<br />
And people's overt reactions to the queer community following the election are a pretty damning statement of what it means to live in "Trump's America."<br />
<br />
Because here's the thing. <i>It doesn't matter whether Trump does what he said he would do during his campaign</i> (though <a href="http://www.bbc.com/news/world-us-canada-37982000">evidence</a> is <a href="http://www.reuters.com/article/us-usa-obamacare-idUSKBN14X1SK">mounting</a> that he <a href="http://www.cnn.com/2016/12/07/politics/ohio-abortion-bill/">will</a>). Because the fact that he built his campaign on the promises he did means that he collected a gaggle of like-minded followers who are reveling in the fact that "they won" and are strutting their pride on the streets all over this country.<br />
<br />
No matter what happens in the Oval Office or in Congress or in the Supreme Court, the fact remains that there are millions of people who voted for this man <i>because of </i>his campaign. They <i>wanted</i> him to win.<br />
<br />
So what does that mean for my family? For me?<br />
<br />
I am out. I have been for about five years. My wife is out. I don't shy away from the word "gay" around our kids and we explain that it doesn't matter if you love someone who identifies as male or female or who is androgynous (or any other variation of gender).<br />
<br />
But there are people around us who are getting more bold about disagreeing with a "lifestyle" like mine. Or the fact that there are immigrants who live in this country. Or that not everyone is a Christian. Vocally. About taking action (even violently) to protest what they believe to be wrong.<br />
<br />
And people are getting hurt.<br />
<br />
And the government is not stepping in as it should. In fact, quite the opposite in some cases, like in <a href="http://www.cnn.com/2016/12/13/politics/ohio-abortion-bill-veto/">Ohio</a>.<br />
<br />
That makes me afraid. The people who are supposed to be protecting Americans and American residents are taking legislative action to instead discriminate against Americans and, in fact, take actions leading to grave harm.<br />
<br />
Did you know that the Affordable Care Act is in the process of being <a href="http://www.npr.org/2017/01/12/509441874/senate-takes-first-step-towards-repeal-of-obamacare">repealed</a>? (My wife and I currently have health insurance through the marketplace, and we both have pre-existing conditions. She is a cancer survivor, and I have fibromyalgia.)<br />
<br />
With everything going on in this country in the last couple of months, with all of the hirings and firings, with all of the legislative changes and bold violent acts of hate, I can't help but worry for the safety of my family and myself.<br />
<br />
We are on the outside in "Trump's America." We don't fit into the narrow mold he has created for what America looks like.<br />
<br />
And I shudder to think what is going to happen in the future as he, his administration, and the people who voted for him begin working toward creating that America.<br />
<br />
Trump talked about "draining the swamp."<br />
<br />
But what he didn't tell you was that before he did, he'd be populating it with alligators.<br />
<br />
So all I can do is protect my family. And I will fight every day from where I am (this blog, social media, among my family and friends) to let anyone and everyone know that<br />
<span style="font-size: large;"><br /></span>
<b><i><span style="font-size: large;">this is not okay.</span></i></b><br />
<b><i><br /></i></b>
Trump's words and actions are not okay. The election was not okay. The actions of the American people under Trump's name are not okay. And it is my right and duty as an American citizen to fight for my rights.<br />
<br />
I may be scared. But I will never stop.<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
-----<br />
*Puck and Tink are from my first marriage (to a man), but Bo and I raise the kids when we have timesharing (Florida's term for visitation) with them, and she is their mom as much as I am.Unknownnoreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-969403722930208914.post-75819580784597248902017-01-05T09:00:00.000-05:002017-01-05T09:00:22.672-05:00This is only the beginning.I am fearful this month.<br />
<br />
There's a big part of me that's excited about a new year, seeing 2017 as a fresh start and the next step on my path to achieving my goals and dreams. I'm making big, positive changes in my life to get healthier and to be able to do what I <i>really</i> want to do.* We're four days in, and I've made good choices, I've held myself accountable, and I'm more motivated than I've ever been to do what I need to for myself and for my family.<br />
<br />
<table cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="float: right; margin-left: 1em; text-align: right;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiykydE2Mw2DU7EfcMFpofhJadfE3NKh0Rl9UrrQ9cgpRIjGYONmgl1GwNM22sMWYOHdG-Dwbhsj0Dgge6fY0dyQoMdpoQ6G04USYuz1npaEgzzGduXPJCr6bYjVaboW3CTmC5iZ0Unoxs/s1600/ID-100308511.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="212" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiykydE2Mw2DU7EfcMFpofhJadfE3NKh0Rl9UrrQ9cgpRIjGYONmgl1GwNM22sMWYOHdG-Dwbhsj0Dgge6fY0dyQoMdpoQ6G04USYuz1npaEgzzGduXPJCr6bYjVaboW3CTmC5iZ0Unoxs/s320/ID-100308511.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><em style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: arial, sans-serif; text-align: start;"><span style="font-size: xx-small;">Image courtesy of Gualberto107 at FreeDigitalPhotos.net</span></em></td></tr>
</tbody></table>
And then I look at my Facebook feed, and I see the <a href="http://www.nytimes.com/interactive/2016/us/politics/donald-trump-administration.html?_r=0">appointments Trump is making</a> and the legislation being passed and repealed in various states. (<a href="https://www.congress.gov/bill/114th-congress/house-bill/2802">Of course, legislation isn't happening only at the state level</a>.)<br />
<br />
And I get this sick feeling in the pit of my stomach. Because here's the thing.<br />
<br />
We (meaning Americans and others) have been fighting for a long time to try and achieve equality. For white cishet** men, the fight began in the 1700s and was achieved by....1776? Everyone else is <i>still</i> fighting.<br />
<br />
Let's think about that for a minute.<br />
<br />
For hundreds of years (and longer), anyone who is <i>not</i> a white, cishet man has struggled and fought and been beaten down and continued to fight for the meager measures of equality that have been granted. Paltry concessions.<br />
<br />
<i>And those successes have come with white cishet men as allies in the government and in the streets.</i><br />
<i><br /></i>
In the aftermath of the election, there are scores of people who have been emboldened to act on their hatred, bigotry, and ignorance.*** The people who want legislation to work backwards are no longer held at bay by a measured hand in the government and the expectation of politeness. The president-elect has changed all that.<br />
<br />
I've heard people say that we should wait and see what the incoming president does. (Even if that were a valid point, I think he has already shown who he really is.) That doesn't matter. Because the fact that he got elected on the platform he ran means that there are people who agree with that thinking. They voted for him because they <i>wanted</i> a president who believed those things and would act on them.<br />
<br />
They <i>wanted</i> a president who is blatantly and violently against <a href="http://www.telegraph.co.uk/women/politics/donald-trump-sexism-tracker-every-offensive-comment-in-one-place/">women</a>.<br />
<br />
They <i>wanted</i> a president who doesn't care about the health and safety of <a href="http://fortune.com/2016/06/07/donald-trump-racism-quotes/">minorities</a>.<br />
<br />
They <i>wanted </i>a president who would mirror actions by a man who rose to power and led directly to the death of millions of innocent people. (You know who I'm talking about.)<br />
<br />
That means that all of the people who think that way and want those things believe that the election of this president is a blank check to do whatever they want to whomever they want because, after all, the president-elect has their backs.<br />
<br />
That's where we are.<br />
<br />
So it doesn't matter if the president-elect keeps his campaign promises or not. Because he has told the American people that it's okay to behave the way he does. And even now, when he has been elected and must have <i>some </i>idea of what is expected of him, he continues to say and do things that undermine all the work the government leaders before him and the American people have accomplished.<br />
<br />
He won't do what he should do in order to show that he's serious about this role that he's taken on.<br />
<br />
He doesn't care.<br />
<br />
This is a game to him. Because he's bored. It's something to do instead of <i>Celebrity Apprentice</i>.<br />
<br />
This man is <i>literally</i> holding people's lives in his hands and is more concerned with the way he's <a href="http://www.billboard.com/articles/news/7581446/donald-trump-post-election-snl-saturday-night-live-alec-baldwin">portrayed on <i>SNL</i></a> than what the American people need in order to feel safe.<br />
<br />
Inauguration Day is January 20, 2017. But just because that man is sworn in on that day does <i>not</i> mean we have lost.<br />
<br />
January 20, 2017 is only the beginning.<br />
<br />
It is our <i><a href="http://www.ushistory.org/declaration/document/">right as Americans</a></i> to stand against what is happening right now.<br />
<blockquote class="tr_bq">
<i>[...W]henever any Form of Government becomes destructive of these ends, it is the Right of the People to alter or abolish it, and to institute new Government, laying its foundation on such principles and organizing its powers in such form, as to them shall seem most likely to effect their Safety and Happiness.</i></blockquote>
We are not safe.<br />
<br />
We are not happy.<br />
<br />
We will not stand by and allow it to continue.<br />
<br />
And I will fight every day. In every way I can.<br />
<br />
I will stand on the <i>right side of history</i>. I will fight. I will not give up. It's not over.<br />
<br />
<br />
It's never over.<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
-----<br />
*I <i>really</i> want to be a full-time fiction writer.<br />
<br />
**cis (born and identify as male) het(erosexual)<br />
<br />
***When I say <i>ignorance</i>, I am referring to a lack of education and unwillingness to learn rather than as an insult.Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-969403722930208914.post-58586949871201496442016-12-19T10:00:00.000-05:002016-12-19T10:00:42.784-05:00Prioritizing fiction in 2017<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgKRFd2_ERWjFA7Zurv-8TdsykMbxduaL8ChrVajhMKekfucNiajY4Rdufqe4oCihtLlsC6_igMbLhTp5pNm2duBVC1MhnsiuY3ijv5-pvF3HeaBR3e0eBMe351FBTDkRVWkpioo0p3XFU/s1600/ID-100371619.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" height="212" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgKRFd2_ERWjFA7Zurv-8TdsykMbxduaL8ChrVajhMKekfucNiajY4Rdufqe4oCihtLlsC6_igMbLhTp5pNm2duBVC1MhnsiuY3ijv5-pvF3HeaBR3e0eBMe351FBTDkRVWkpioo0p3XFU/s320/ID-100371619.jpg" width="320" /></a></div>
I spent a lot of time on my WIP in 2016, and I made good progress.<br />
<br />
But it was also a chaotic year full of obstacles and schedule changes and lots of medical appointments for Tink and Puck. So there were many times that my fiction writing was pushed back and de-prioritized.<br />
<br />
In 2017, I am going to continue to <i>make</i> time to write fiction. And, more importantly, I'm going to prioritize my fiction more than I did in 2016.<br />
<br />
I've read a lot of articles and listened to TED Talks and podcasts about time management and achieving goals. And one point that comes up again and again is that achieving your goals is not about rearranging your life or quitting your job (though sometimes it is about that). It's about prioritizing your life so that the things you want to accomplish are at the top of your list.<br />
<br />
When it comes down to it, we <i>make time</i> for the things we have to make time for. You may think you don't have an extra few hours in your schedule this week, but what a pipe burst in your home? What if your child were ill?<br />
<br />
<i>We make time for the things we have to make time for.</i><br />
<br />
So if you prioritize fiction-writing or writing music or starting your business, you'll have the time you need to make it happen.<br />
<br />
Yes, that means that things that are less of a priority may have to fall away. But it comes down to priorities. Is it more important to write another chapter in your book or watch the season premiere of <i>Dancing with the Stars</i>?<br />
<br />
You only have so many hours in the day. So you have to decide what you do with those hours. I'm going to write fiction with them. (And some other stuff, of course.)<br />
<br />
What are you going to do in 2017?<br />
<br />
What are you going to do today?Unknownnoreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-969403722930208914.post-7939949119856302962016-10-10T14:18:00.000-04:002016-10-10T14:18:00.735-04:00I'm out for those who can't be<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi2JpAPaOBRe4MBalLYewOoadirNcQ_0cAiIN0PcSWo8bd2-W8KrIRwU_H2dWhd8svCw9vwfGug6c6-pChv-JOHhJ8CSVkgMsB21czN7ZUIkcrfZPKNCf4IgCU4YiJTuRj297uI3v_Ojq8/s1600/Pride.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" height="212" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi2JpAPaOBRe4MBalLYewOoadirNcQ_0cAiIN0PcSWo8bd2-W8KrIRwU_H2dWhd8svCw9vwfGug6c6-pChv-JOHhJ8CSVkgMsB21czN7ZUIkcrfZPKNCf4IgCU4YiJTuRj297uI3v_Ojq8/s320/Pride.jpg" width="320" /></a></div>
I haven't been blogging lately (obviously). I haven't been doing much of anything.<br />
<br />
The end of September and beginning of October was difficult for me. Because <a href="http://thebloggess.com/">depression lies</a>. Even though I had an editorial calendar to help prompt me to blog when I didn't want to, I just couldn't get myself in front of the computer. Because depression lies.<br />
<br />
But I'm coming out of a dark personal storm, which coincides with coming out on the other side of <a href="https://weather.com/storms/hurricane/news/hurricane-matthew-bahamas-florida-georgia-carolinas-forecast">Hurricane Matthew</a>* and on <a href="http://www.hrc.org/resources/national-coming-out-day">National Coming Out Day</a>.<br />
<br />
Oh, yeah. And we're moving at the end of the month. So that's fun.<br />
<br />
I try to write about National Coming Out Day each year for a lot of reasons. Yes, <a href="http://coffee-stainedwriter.blogspot.com/2012/04/road-ive-taken-love-thyself.html">I've been out for a while</a>, but it's important for me to keeping coming out because there are a lot of people who can't. They might lose their <a href="https://www.fastcompany.com/3057357/the-future-of-work/heres-everywhere-in-america-you-can-still-get-fired-for-being-lgbt">jobs</a>. Or their <a href="https://truecolorsfund.org/our-issue/">homes</a>. Or their <a href="http://www.advocate.com/transgender/2016/9/16/these-are-trans-people-killed-2016">lives</a>.<br />
<br />
<table cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="float: left; margin-right: 1em; text-align: left;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjUc4vPNhHxj5_STT1mhP5pX4CUzLPirG3q7lAQsrf3elT2SJercH038la37F06fufBIZ4TvuWRG1Kg5TZ4H4-qjuL6IT6BoV7UBXROPSTBN4gI6Hy8kkPdduAjinEgkmnpnX7vcnEI_Q4/s1600/safe+space+logo.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="264" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjUc4vPNhHxj5_STT1mhP5pX4CUzLPirG3q7lAQsrf3elT2SJercH038la37F06fufBIZ4TvuWRG1Kg5TZ4H4-qjuL6IT6BoV7UBXROPSTBN4gI6Hy8kkPdduAjinEgkmnpnX7vcnEI_Q4/s320/safe+space+logo.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">This blog is a safe space.</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
Yes, our nation has marriage equality. Yes, there have been improvements in anti-discrimination and efforts to improve equality for queer** folks.<br />
<br />
But it is <i>still</i> dangerous to be queer in a lot of places. And even in places you'd think it would be safe, like <a href="http://www.npr.org/2016/06/16/482322488/orlando-shooting-what-happened-update">Orlando</a>, being queer can be dangerous.<br />
<br />
It doesn't surprise me that there are people who are fearful of being out. Truly.<br />
<br />
Because they can't, I will. I will be out and an advocate. I will be vocal about fighting for equality and protection for others (including myself). I will give voice to the voiceless and let them know that there are people fighting their corner, even when they can't.<br />
<br />
I'm an out lesbian.<br />
<br />
Happy National Coming Out Day.<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
-----<br />
*We live in central Florida, so we did get hit with some of the weather; we were safe and didn't have any damage.<br />
**My use of the term "queer" is intended to encompass all LGBTQIA orientations.Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-969403722930208914.post-73930001817228758562016-09-12T08:34:00.000-04:002016-09-12T08:34:07.321-04:00Now that summer is over....Now that we're into September, I'm shifting gears mentally into the fall. There's a lot we're looking forward to for this fall.<br />
<br />
<b>I'm launching a website.</b><br />
<br />
I'm expanding my freelancing work to include specialized marketing services, so I'm building my website. I was hoping to have it up by the beginning of the month, but I ran into some complications, so now it'll be up at the end of the month instead. Either way, I'll have the website up and running soon, along with content to generate inbound leads.<br />
<br />
I'm looking forward to it, and I think it'll be good for my career to get some private clients. I've kind of reached a plateau with the clients I currently have. So I'm ready to take the next step with my work and build a client base creating content marketing for a niche market. It's a demographic I'm passionate about, and I'm looking forward to immersing myself in that community in order to build clients and help businesses build their own customer bases.<br />
<br />
<b>We're taking a family vacation.</b><br />
<b><br /></b>
I graduated from college ten years ago, so this year's Homecoming at my alma mater will be a reunion Homecoming. I thought it would be a good opportunity to take Bo up to Illinois to meet the rest of my family, some of my friends, and to see the town I consider to be my hometown.<br />
<br />
The original plan was that it would be a trip just for Bo and me, but now that the munchkins are homeschooled, they're coming with us, and we're turning it into a big field trip for school. Bo and I are making booklets for the kids to take with them that will include worksheets (math problems, geography, etc.) and activities (mazes, puzzles, journal prompts) to do each day. By the end of the trip they workbook will be complete. When we get back we'll print some pictures from the trip and the booklet will be part scrapbook and part workbook for school.<br />
<br />
<b>We're continuing to homeschool.</b><br />
<b><br /></b>
The kids have been out of public school since April, and we started officially homeschooling on June 1st (though we started unofficially before then). Now that it's autumn and public school is in full swing, we're continuing to push forward with homeschooling. Bo handles math and science, Monty handles social studies, and I handle Language Arts (reading, writing, spelling, grammar, etc.).<br />
<br />
It's a dynamic that works well for us, and I love being able to teach what Puck needs to know by <a href="https://www.instagram.com/p/BJs8fgJhefH/?taken-by=vegathles">allowing him to write short stories</a>. The kids are thriving academically, and we have the flexibility to do things like taking a family vacation in October since we can make workbooks to take with and continue their education even when they're in the car.<br />
<br />
Autumn is going to be busy, but happy.Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-969403722930208914.post-29721613996887886082016-09-05T22:26:00.000-04:002016-09-05T22:26:46.918-04:00Reconnecting with familyWifey and I had a mini-vacation over the weekend. We spent part of Labor Day weekend at my sister-in-law's house with her, her husband, and my parents-in-law. It was a quick weekend, but very fun. We went to the local museum of science and history where there happened to be a dinosaur exhibit. (We took lots of pictures for Puck!) We only stayed one night, but it was nice. We got away for a little bit and got to spend some time with family.<br />
<br />
Sometimes those kinds of trips are the best for me. Between my introvert-ness and fibromyalgia pain and fatigue, short trips are just about all I can handle. I get the benefit of reconnecting with family and friends (and leave the apartment) without overwhelming myself or doing too much.<br />
<br />
Sometimes those kinds of trips are just what I need. They give me a break from the chaos of the everyday without taking too much time away. I can recharge, but I don't have to plan for a vacation away from work.<br />
<br />
It's one of the advantages to having family leaving nearby enough for weekend trips. I can take little trips and recharge and I don't have to leave the state.<br />
<br />
That doesn't mean I'm not <i>really</i> excited about our upcoming family vacation, It'll be our first big roadtrip as a whole family, and even though it'll be taxing and take a lot of planning and organization and preparation, it's going to be a wonderful trip.Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-969403722930208914.post-6962737641152714762016-08-18T09:29:00.000-04:002016-08-18T09:29:04.227-04:00They're never too young to learn consentConsent is a big deal.<br />
<br />
Always.<br />
<br />
And it goes both ways because men can be assaulted, as well. And women can assault women.<br />
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjFowUiXHcdGQy7SS6yg_hnJH3g8yrMegIVKc40NroxyZuImgAv8xXesnMoA3et_EYHtdH_slUrbcNXP0HuDxsD1jwWtuBTksg738dDRxINo1VZiFR6Ij2lp7ldln821z7nK-ptaQzMJu8/s1600/13055001_690767157693307_4600956729750443074_o.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjFowUiXHcdGQy7SS6yg_hnJH3g8yrMegIVKc40NroxyZuImgAv8xXesnMoA3et_EYHtdH_slUrbcNXP0HuDxsD1jwWtuBTksg738dDRxINo1VZiFR6Ij2lp7ldln821z7nK-ptaQzMJu8/s320/13055001_690767157693307_4600956729750443074_o.jpg" width="240" /></a></div>
So one of the things that's really important for Bo and I is to teach the kids about consent. Both that they must receive it and give it for things to happen, like physical contact (hugs and kisses).<br />
<br />
There are a few reasons we want them to know this, even as kids. First of all, we don't want the kids to feel obligated to give hugs and kisses to people (like family) so that if someone, whether family or not, tries to touch them inappropriately, they will know they are not obligated to consent.<br />
<br />
<i>My body, my choice</i>.<br />
<br />
Even with family.<br />
<br />
Another reason we want the kids to know this is because they need to know and accept that "my body, my choice" extends to others, as well. Yes, Tink, it is your body and your choice. But it is also Puck's body and his choice whether or not he will accept hugs or kisses from you. And when they get older, they'll know that they must also make sure that the person they want to be intimate with or even hug or kiss more casually <i>wants </i>that contact.<br />
<br />
<i>My body, my choice</i>.<br />
<br />
With everyone.<br />
<br />
Tink is an extrovert who <i>loves</i> hugs and kisses. So sometimes she gets so excited she forgets. At this age, we gently remind her, and usually she apologizes (to the person she had physical contact with) for not asking first. And those instances are getting fewer and further between.<br />
<br />
Even at five and seven years old,<br />
<br />
<i>my body, my choice.</i>Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-969403722930208914.post-71968547500559732262016-08-16T08:35:00.000-04:002016-08-16T08:35:06.009-04:00The scribbling familyOne of the reasons I wanted to meet Bo was because I knew she was a writer. I thought that, if nothing else, we could become writerly friends. I lucked out and ended up with an <a href="http://coffee-stainedwriter.blogspot.com/2015/11/after-month-of-marriage.html">amazing wife</a> instead.<br />
<br />
But there has always been the writing.<br />
<br />
Life has been chaotic in the last couple years, especially with the <a href="http://coffee-stainedwriter.blogspot.com/2016/08/i-am-her-first-and-best-advocate.html">kids' health</a> and <a href="http://coffee-stainedwriter.blogspot.com/2016/08/what-does-chronic-illness-look-like.html">my own health</a>. So writing has taken a back seat a bit (outside of my work, at least). But now that things are <i>finally</i> settling down and we have a good routine, Bo and I are both working toward making more time for writing. We've set up a desk for her in the bedroom, and I've adjusted my daily schedule a bit to give her a few hours every afternoon during which she can write (or do whatever else she wants to do).<br />
<br />
<table cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="float: right; margin-left: 1em; text-align: right;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjF0XjtRGU-1i0ISmBreOVaSuGuZnBbXGb3UnE_AcL-YbbTiDvOFR0KSXb_itRltMbc09R7ohZ3vwgiGYsNq_GcgBkb2dtlO5JhUYx2RhU7CW8ga-w_PKy-dcSqLp9tUXmyebaau3h9jTk/s1600/13502746_10154111472178311_8359354618741916901_o.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjF0XjtRGU-1i0ISmBreOVaSuGuZnBbXGb3UnE_AcL-YbbTiDvOFR0KSXb_itRltMbc09R7ohZ3vwgiGYsNq_GcgBkb2dtlO5JhUYx2RhU7CW8ga-w_PKy-dcSqLp9tUXmyebaau3h9jTk/s320/13502746_10154111472178311_8359354618741916901_o.jpg" width="239" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Sometimes you have to be<br />a superhero to write a story.</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
It's not only Bo and I that write stories. Puck is a writer, too.<br />
<br />
In order to teach elements of stories (protagonist, antagonist, etc.), I had Puck fill out worksheets to develop characters and a plot, and then write a story. He <i>loved</i> it. He's written two stories (about dragons), And last week, he saw a toy gryphon and said, "I have an idea for my next story."<br />
<br />
I think he's a scribbler, too.<br />
<br />
I love that our family is full of writers. I love seeing the creativity when Puck and Bo are developing their ideas. I love sharing story ideas with them and talking about how to make them better.<br />
<br />
Most of all, I <i>love</i> seeing the pride and joy on Puck's face when he reads us his latest story.<br />
<br />
I'm so proud of him, and I can't wait to see what else he's going to come up with this school year.<br />
<br />
In the meantime, Bo and I will be scribbling away, as well.Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-969403722930208914.post-18802408859291726572016-08-09T14:21:00.002-04:002016-08-09T14:21:24.151-04:00I am her first and best advocate<table cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="float: right; margin-left: 1em; text-align: right;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg2nX7oVmXjzbBh1JjtcEdmsy6YvZMsItiDGdUXPFM4Wa6hyphenhyphen-HBF4grFtskbj_VN-Upzc2HHFt241_caiDOcyrzbyFtpxFf1KABueB4jUZKudz6BdjOrRQc1RcEjRP5G_4LKcwwc9RO_Lg/s1600/13692778_10154178423408311_2314338903924935996_o.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg2nX7oVmXjzbBh1JjtcEdmsy6YvZMsItiDGdUXPFM4Wa6hyphenhyphen-HBF4grFtskbj_VN-Upzc2HHFt241_caiDOcyrzbyFtpxFf1KABueB4jUZKudz6BdjOrRQc1RcEjRP5G_4LKcwwc9RO_Lg/s320/13692778_10154178423408311_2314338903924935996_o.jpg" width="214" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Photo by <a href="https://lifeunpredictedblog.wordpress.com/">Brandi Gilbertson</a></td></tr>
</tbody></table>
If you've been following this blog for a while, you probably already know about Tink's health concerns. They've been going on since her birth (well, before her birth, really), and sometimes I feel like we're going in circles trying to figure out what's causing these <a href="http://coffee-stainedwriter.blogspot.com/search/label/Tink">problems</a>.<br />
<br />
Right now, the most important issue we're dealing with is failure to thrive. We've ruled out any physical GI problem. Her blood work (almost) always comes back perfectly normal. So we're taking her care in a different direction: psychological.<br />
<br />
Tink's pediatrician has referred her for behavioral therapy for a probable <a href="http://childrensnational.org/choose-childrens/conditions-and-treatments/mental-health-behavioral-disorders/feeding-disorders">feeding disorder</a>. We're optimistic that the treatment plan will help her, and we'll be able to get her healthy.<br />
<br />
The problem is that my mama-sense is still tingling.<br />
<br />
When Tink was still in infancy (a little over a year old) we took her to see a pediatric geneticist. While he didn't find anything at that time he could diagnose her with, he had a few conditions in mind that she could have, but was too young to meet the diagnostic criteria for. There were also a couple of conditions he was thinking about, but they would have required specialized genetic testing to diagnose, and he wasn't prepared to do that at that time.<br />
<br />
As Tink has gotten older and (somewhat) bigger, the geneticist's report keeps echoing in my mind. I've done a little research (I know), and I can see signs of one of the conditions the geneticist mentioned all that time ago.<br />
<br />
I'm reluctant to say, "I think Tink has this" to a pediatrician or other health care professional because I don't want to sound alarmist or that I'm looking for something more serious to be wrong with her. I don't want that at all. I want my daughter to be healthy. And the key to getting her healthy is finding out the cause of these problems.<br />
<br />
As her mom, I know I am Tink's first and best advocate. I know what's normal and abnormal. I know if she's okay or not okay. And I have to follow my instincts when advocating for her.<br />
<br />
I do think she <i>might</i> have one of the conditions the geneticist mentioned. But she might not. And I definitely think the more pressing concern is addressing her probable feeding disorder. Once that's out of the way, she'll either get better or we'll move on to the next round of diagnostic testing.<br />
<br />
And I will always advocate for her as fiercely as I can.Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-969403722930208914.post-25408184144173028652016-08-05T13:19:00.002-04:002016-08-05T13:19:27.859-04:00Happy Birthday, Puck!<div style="text-align: right;">
</div>
<table cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="float: right; margin-left: 1em; text-align: right;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgEEeVCHyiJovSZQwFoTSSzC0b4TH5VdWQtidITd_lgv2n2Jt-q0kTNBPC6tmchbdufsC9QrovcgBrMt-c7xLa-Wzxzh_Zy5z6lTpA9Aj_Ff9zzZpAKQzl7zqV2652AdKmZqqrggIfj-yU/s1600/13559006_10154127950053311_1580906378592664923_o.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgEEeVCHyiJovSZQwFoTSSzC0b4TH5VdWQtidITd_lgv2n2Jt-q0kTNBPC6tmchbdufsC9QrovcgBrMt-c7xLa-Wzxzh_Zy5z6lTpA9Aj_Ff9zzZpAKQzl7zqV2652AdKmZqqrggIfj-yU/s320/13559006_10154127950053311_1580906378592664923_o.jpg" width="240" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Photo by Brandi Gilbertson</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
Tomorrow my sweet boy turns seven.<br />
<br />
I can hardly believe it.<br />
<br />
Puck has grown and changed so very much in the last seven years. We've had some challenges and successes, but overall he's healthy and happy and on his way toward becoming the person he wants to be.<br />
<br />
Puck is smart. When you give him something to do, he'll pick it up quickly and effectively. He likes being a helper, and he likes knowing how to do interesting and useful things. Some of his favorite toys are puzzles and anything he has to build.<br />
<br />
Since we've started homeschooling, he's excelled in math and science. He's passionate about science, too. He reads non-fiction books (particularly those about animals) nearly every day. He can recall facts about animals easily, and it has given as a way to nurture a love of learning in him. He's an excellent student.<br />
<br />
<table cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="float: left; margin-right: 1em; text-align: left;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgZ29e_92_Nrs19JMPVSRaK6FE9sEkxF3Vj8GxUo7bJ6RgMCTbbupY0hjopckIgof7BZen9bOeeqXtovQpIWjiFFknX2CcNWHil3OdxwjsCQzc6l8QP4UUbX3rFi-EHz_S62nFfga90mOE/s1600/13575742_10154126266728311_109639939246177044_o.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgZ29e_92_Nrs19JMPVSRaK6FE9sEkxF3Vj8GxUo7bJ6RgMCTbbupY0hjopckIgof7BZen9bOeeqXtovQpIWjiFFknX2CcNWHil3OdxwjsCQzc6l8QP4UUbX3rFi-EHz_S62nFfga90mOE/s320/13575742_10154126266728311_109639939246177044_o.jpg" width="214" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Photo by Brandi Gilbertson</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
Now that he's securely in the "school-age child" portion of his life, other aspects of his personality are starting to emerge. He's funny, and has a very sarcastic sense of humor. He loves to trick people (playfully, of course), play pranks, and tell jokes.<br />
<br />
Puck is clearly his own person. He does things his own way, even if it means he sometimes does things the hard way. Eventually, though, he figures things out on his own or asks someone for help to figure it out.<br />
<br />
I am honored to be his mom and to get to be a part of his growing up.<br />
<br />
I'm eager to see everything that's still to come in his childhood. I'm eager to see the teenager and young adult he grows into years down the road. And, for now, we'll celebrate seven.<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<div style="text-align: center;">
Happy Birthday, Puck. Mama loves you.</div>
<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjsTFXLpD3_b2N0HKCZpvaqePPb24OrMUBeC9z0GCJohX3MH8UuUHJ0snixyOmPUoW_q-vocDIFOY-5MFHfMNwfzWg9wWTmzpV-3Me5tItkQnonw1J_PaNdCrAUo8PoOghVX5GzNexlfPw/s1600/13732015_10154172566243311_9181879509245983405_o.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="267" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjsTFXLpD3_b2N0HKCZpvaqePPb24OrMUBeC9z0GCJohX3MH8UuUHJ0snixyOmPUoW_q-vocDIFOY-5MFHfMNwfzWg9wWTmzpV-3Me5tItkQnonw1J_PaNdCrAUo8PoOghVX5GzNexlfPw/s400/13732015_10154172566243311_9181879509245983405_o.jpg" width="400" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Photo by Brandi Gilbertson</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<br />Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-969403722930208914.post-71415350057562806452016-08-01T13:22:00.001-04:002016-08-01T13:22:31.745-04:00What does chronic illness look like?Since being diagnosed with fibromyalgia, I've had to make some adjustments in my life. Some of these adjustments have been good, like getting medication so I'm not in pain all the time. Other adjustments have been more of a challenge.<br />
<br />
The biggest challenge I've faced so far is adjusting how I see myself now that I'm labelled as someone with a chronic illness.<br />
<br />
Fibromyalgia is a lifelong diagnosis. I will always have it, I will always combat pain and its other symptoms. And it may get worse as I get older.<br />
<br />
Because of this illness, there are things I have to do differently in my life. For now (maybe not forever), I'm giving up the idea of being able to run a marathon. Or run at all, for that matter. My exercise has to be more gentle to my body.<br />
<br />
I'm also adjusting my daily schedule to accommodate my fatigue. I'm becoming a <a href="http://www.businessinsider.com/polyphasic-sleep-schedules-and-benefits-2013-10">polyphasic sleeper</a> (not to take advantage of the benefits, but simply because that seems to be what's easiest for my body and work/family schedule).<br />
<br />
Right now, I'm trying to find a balance between the diagnosis and the identity. Yes, I have fibromyalgia, but I am not fibromyalgia.<br />
<br />
One of the ways I'm doing this is by reading Toni Bernhard's <i><a href="http://www.indiebound.org/book/9780861716265">How to Be Sick</a></i>. So far I like her approach to chronic illness.<br />
<br />
<i>There is illness here, but I am not ill</i>.<br />
<br />
This approach is allowing me to make accommodations for the illness without letting myself get pulled into a black hole of "I can't because fibromyalgia."<br />
<br />
I am tired and I hurt. But I still work and I still care for my family and I still do the things I need to do in order to be the woman I want to be.<br />
<br />
It's still a process. There are days I let the fibromyalgia keep me from doing what I need to do.<br />
<br />
There are <a href="http://coffee-stainedwriter.blogspot.com/2016/07/im-supposed-to-be-in-waiting-room-right.html">days it has to</a>.<br />
<br />
When those days happen, I do what I can and try again tomorrow.<br />
<br />
I have fibromyalgia, but I am not fibromyalgia.Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-969403722930208914.post-3747887647680676422016-07-20T14:58:00.000-04:002016-07-20T14:58:36.871-04:00As we near the end of summerSummer is one of the slow times in my work. My primary work revolves around the academic year, so I have a lull in the summer and in December/January.<br />
<br />
<table cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="float: right; margin-left: 1em; text-align: right;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhhcskqxzcEVpnwZaA09q2Xh1_Y542yikiovaGZGh3nB86hrV1Vbb77nbgsYXy4WMN3LhrmS7U_4ar-CLOq7VJcIaD_xgmIeUiGH99MR8UV2S6GgKjTMrUvv0n1vYOEU-POAGL9AqCAF_M/s1600/ID-100371619.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="212" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhhcskqxzcEVpnwZaA09q2Xh1_Y542yikiovaGZGh3nB86hrV1Vbb77nbgsYXy4WMN3LhrmS7U_4ar-CLOq7VJcIaD_xgmIeUiGH99MR8UV2S6GgKjTMrUvv0n1vYOEU-POAGL9AqCAF_M/s320/ID-100371619.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Image source: <a href="http://www.freedigitalphotos.net/images/coffee-mug-in-coffee-shop-photo-p371619">punsayaporn / freedigitalphotos.net</a></td></tr>
</tbody></table>
This year I had mixed feelings about getting to the lull. My workload in spring was quite heavy, and I needed the break once it finally came. At the same time, the void left by a lack of work was a bit frightening, knowing that my work is what our family relies on for survival.<br />
<br />
Work picked up a little bit this month, and I know that the levels will return to normal soon. And eventually, I'll be looking forward to the break I get at the end of the year.<br />
<br />
Despite the lull in work, I've tried to stay productive. I'm working on a few things that have to stay in the background for now, and this has been a good time to do some administrative work, get some elements lined up, and prepare for the fall season of work.<br />
<br />
Each week and month that passes, I'm taking steps to move my career in the direction I want it to go. I'm closer to the career person I want to be, and I'm excited about what's coming.<br />
<br />
In the meantime, I'm enjoying my summer lull, the extra time with the kids, and the chance to let myself rest a bit before the chaos of autumn begins.<br />
<br />
How's your summer going?Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-969403722930208914.post-31967576691540462042016-06-28T09:07:00.000-04:002016-06-28T09:07:04.122-04:00Coffee-stained healthSome of you may already know that I've been having some <a href="http://coffee-stainedwriter.blogspot.com/2016/04/apparently-my-body-kind-of-hates-me.html">health problems</a> lately.<br />
<br />
In addition to the diagnosis of rosacea, I've been dealing with a great deal of pain and fatigue that has been increasing for the last couple of years. So I got a referral from my primary care physician to go to a rheumatologist.<br />
<br />
I saw the rheumatologist a couple of weeks ago, and he diagnosed me with <a href="http://www.fmaware.org/about-fibromyalgia/">fibromyalgia</a>. His exact words were, "Well, you definitely have fibromyalgia."<br />
<br />
Okay, then.<br />
<br />
In addition, he thinks I also have some kind of autoimmune condition "in the lupus family." So he ordered a lot of blood work to try and determine what else, if anything, I have. Once we know what's going on, we can develop a treatment plan that helps deal with all of my symptoms. The blood work is done and I'll get the results at my follow up appointment in a couple of weeks.<br />
<br />
<table cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="float: right; margin-left: 1em; text-align: right;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiubDeDsB5hj8jhXecLeVYAcw-IyZWmREgTi6ZXeURl398NQTxq60odpNVGIIx4L5VIi4afGXmHezm8iPnFWgzU13R5QgDTAfZJYpf2hHWGM9v1m2Vu42_KJoNk06Orqdc2YeHNeAwuEhc/s1600/13497985_715084631928226_4253170213561543747_o.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiubDeDsB5hj8jhXecLeVYAcw-IyZWmREgTi6ZXeURl398NQTxq60odpNVGIIx4L5VIi4afGXmHezm8iPnFWgzU13R5QgDTAfZJYpf2hHWGM9v1m2Vu42_KJoNk06Orqdc2YeHNeAwuEhc/s320/13497985_715084631928226_4253170213561543747_o.jpg" width="240" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">If I warn you that my veins roll, it's for a reason.<br />This is that reason.</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
The experience was not exactly pleasant. I don't like getting blood drawn. I always warn whoever is drawing my blood that my veins roll and they have to be anchored. I always bruise. Sometimes (like this last time) very badly. But if it helps get answers, it's worth it in the end.<br />
<br />
It was abrupt, this change from "something's wrong" to "chronic illness."<br />
<br />
In the progression of what I've been experiencing, along with comments from my primary care doctor, I had a pretty good idea of what's been going on. But hearing the words made it real. I know that I'm going to have to deal with this for the rest of my life.<br />
<br />
There is a mental and emotional shift. There are things I just can't do anymore, and things I won't be able to do when I'm in a flare (like right now). The past few week it has been hard to accept that the reason I can't do these things is because of my body, not because of my personality. There are things that I can't change, and instead of beating myself up and getting angry because I can't do certain things, I am having to create and adapt to my new normal.<br />
<br />
It's going to be a process. And in the meantime, I'm doing what I can.Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-969403722930208914.post-79957418182036076282016-06-23T09:07:00.000-04:002016-06-23T09:07:12.381-04:00Modifying my green bookI've been using a planner (with a green cover) for quite some time. I call it <a href="http://coffee-stainedwriter.blogspot.com/2014/09/going-back-to-my-book.html">my green book</a>. In that time, I've tried different things with it here and there, and tried different planners, but I usually returned to some incarnation of the green book.<br />
<br />
But it wasn't <i>really</i> working for me. I didn't have the space I needed for notes, and the layouts of the pages locked me in to using the planner in a very specific way.<br />
<br />
It just wasn't working.<br />
<br />
So as I was wandering around online to try and find some workarounds, I discovered <a href="http://bulletjournal.com/">bullet journaling</a>, created by Ryder Carroll. It's a way of incorporating planning, scheduling, notes, and to-do lists all in one place. The foundation of the method is simplicity and flexibility. You can use any notebook and pen and find a way to make it exactly what you need it to be.<br />
<br />
Here's the video on Carroll's website:<br />
<br />
<div style="text-align: center;">
<iframe allowfullscreen="" frameborder="0" height="315" src="https://www.youtube.com/embed/fm15cmYU0IM" width="560"></iframe>
</div>
<br />
If you Google bullet journals, the image results will be full of artistically magnificent pictures of layouts and notes and oh, my goddess the pretties. And that's <i>wonderful</i> for those using their bullet journals as an artistic outlet. That's not me. I express myself in words, not visual art.<br />
<br />
So I'm sticking much, much more closely to the original method developed by Carroll. I've incorporated a couple of chart-style trackers and I'm using a different method for indexing, but other than that, my bullet journal is very simple.<br />
<br />
I can tell you that even using this method just this month has helped me stay <i>much</i> more organized. I have everything in one place, and the method plays into my need to write things down in order to remember them. (I ♥ analog planners!)<br />
<br />
Because of the method's simplicity and flexibility, I'm able to make it anything I want it to be. I use it to track projects for work, it includes my blogging editorial calendar, planning and task lists for our upcoming family vacation, and even my "<a href="http://coffee-stainedwriter.blogspot.com/2016/05/today-is-my-birthday.html">40 before 40</a>" list.<br />
<br />
I plan to stick with this planning method through the end of the year to decide whether I really like it or not. If I don't, I can go back to a different planner at the beginning of 2017.<br />
<br />
In the meantime, I like it quite a bit.<br />
<div class="MsoNormal">
<o:p></o:p></div>
Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-969403722930208914.post-43620035602976889272016-06-21T09:57:00.000-04:002016-06-21T09:57:05.307-04:00On Father's DayI used to value Father's Day.<br />
<br />
I was pretty close with my dad, especially after I moved back to Illinois from Florida, and during the divorce. We spoke on the phone a few times a week, and I prided myself on showing my appreciation to him every year in June. One of the last Father's Days I spent with my dad, I surprised him with a round of golf for the two of us and my younger brother. I like golf, so it was a good morning.<br />
<br />
When I moved back to Florida, things changed. Well... I should be more specific. I started dating Bo, and things changed. I told him the nature of our relationship was up to him, and now we haven't spoken in I don't know how long. <a href="http://coffee-stainedwriter.blogspot.com/2015/03/my-father-chose-to-stand-against.html">My father has clearly made a choice based on his religious beliefs about homosexuality</a>.<br />
<br />
The good news is that there are aspects in which Father's Day still has value to me.<br />
<br />
I have an amazing father-in-law.<br />
<br />
<table cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="float: right; margin-left: 1em; text-align: right;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh0V4LAa1nbkGQoKpSfe3nG3wKTaDyW3qwJt5s3yQM1Xl3gHvMaY0UCs0OsC7edy3pIxscb4DYf1IbKmIt8dfWeSaCMPqdYZs5Z7kPYjyTdDUbW2AoqbzmxiGJJDhCfccH7dj1x54Z3huA/s1600/2A1A6433.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="213" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh0V4LAa1nbkGQoKpSfe3nG3wKTaDyW3qwJt5s3yQM1Xl3gHvMaY0UCs0OsC7edy3pIxscb4DYf1IbKmIt8dfWeSaCMPqdYZs5Z7kPYjyTdDUbW2AoqbzmxiGJJDhCfccH7dj1x54Z3huA/s320/2A1A6433.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">My father-in-law looking dapper on our wedding day<br />October 2015</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
He embraces me as a daughter (no qualifiers). In fact, it was less than 12 hours after I met Bo that he friended me on Facebook, and there was no going back after that. He loves me and I love him, and when I think of Father's Day, <i>he</i> is the one who comes to mind.<br />
<br />
My father-in-law is a good man. He loves his family and would do whatever he could for any of them. There are no strings attached to his love. He has never once told me, "I love you, but I don't agree with your lifestyle." He just loves me for who I am.<br />
<br />
I have lost my father by blood by his own choice, which has caused me to also lose the rest of my family on that side. But I have gained so much more in a family by choice.<br />
<br />
I think I came out ahead in that.Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-969403722930208914.post-7918838322890743632016-06-14T07:56:00.000-04:002016-06-14T07:56:00.159-04:00We are Orlando.I live in Orlando. The Pulse is only about a ten-minute drive from my home. And though my wife and I are not clubbers, we know people who are.<br />
<br />
We are fortunate that we were home. That we didn't lose anyone. (Our neighbor lost four people Sunday morning.)<br />
<br />
At the same time, we have lost them, too. They <strike>were</strike> are our brothers and sisters. They are me.<br />
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgidWzz4e1q1A4c1XyaGqfCh9kvmo84hEWPLd1Y0gy-Jnd-8schdj68gywoxg9rBtlvgxvzLobXxjnHBbDIJo7XnmMdpbNprblvEBA91GLG4dNDgVpc4LffUeWnyosYa5oLXd6opADYd6I/s1600/Pride.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" height="212" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgidWzz4e1q1A4c1XyaGqfCh9kvmo84hEWPLd1Y0gy-Jnd-8schdj68gywoxg9rBtlvgxvzLobXxjnHBbDIJo7XnmMdpbNprblvEBA91GLG4dNDgVpc4LffUeWnyosYa5oLXd6opADYd6I/s320/Pride.jpg" width="320" /></a></div>
I am heartbroken in so many ways and for so many reasons because of this. And while it's important to talk about the big-picture issues that have been brought into the stark spotlight (homophobia, discrimination, gun control, religion, racism, etc.), it is imperative that we don't let other important things be pushed to the shadows because of the big-picture discussions.<br />
<br />
Every single one of those involved in the massacre on Sunday morning is important. They deserve to have voices. Those who have survived can use their own voices to take up space, but there are 49 people who must rely on us to speak for them.<br />
<br />
Say their names. Remember them. <b>Speak for them.</b><br />
<br />
"<b>To actively do nothing is a decision, as well.</b>" --President Barack Obama, 6.12.16<br />
<br />
Stanley Almodovar III (23 years old)<br />
Amanda Alvear (25 years old)<br />
Oscar A. Aracena-Montero (26 years old)<br />
Rodolfo Ayala-Ayala (33 years old)<br />
Antonio Davon Brown (29 years old)<br />
Darryl Roman Burt II (29 years old)<br />
Angel L. Candelario-Padro (28 years old)<br />
Juan Chavez-Martinez (25 years old)<br />
Luis Daniel Conde (39 years old)<br />
Cory James Connell (21 years old)<br />
Tevin Eugene Crosby (25 years old)<br />
Deonka Deidra Drayton (32 years old)<br />
Simon Adrian Carrillo Fernandez (31 years old)<br />
Leroy Valentin Fernandez (25 years old)<br />
Mercedez Marisol Flores (26 years old)<br />
Peter O. Gonzalez-Cruz (22 years old)<br />
Juan Ramon Guerrero (22 years old)<br />
Paul Terrell Henry (41 years old)<br />
Frank Hernandez (27 years old)<br />
Miguel Angel Honorato (30 years old)<br />
Javier Jorge-Reyes (40 years old)<br />
Jason Benjamin Josaphat (19 years old)<br />
Eddie Jamoldroy Justice (30 years old)<br />
Anthony Luis Laureanodisla (25 years old)<br />
Christopher Andrew Leinonen (32 years old)<br />
Alejandro Barrios Martinez (21 years old)<br />
Brenda Lee Marquez McCool (49 years old)<br />
Gilberto Ramon Silva Menendez (25 years old)<br />
Kimberly Morris (37 years old)<br />
Akyra Monet Murray (18 years old)<br />
Luis Omar Ocasio-Capo (20 years old)<br />
Geraldo A. Ortiz-Jimenez (25 years old)<br />
Eric Ivan Ortiz-Rivera (36 years old)<br />
Joel Rayon Paniagua (32 years old)<br />
Jean Carlos Mendez Perez (35 years old)<br />
Enrique L. Rios, Jr. (25 years old)<br />
Jean C. Nives Rodriguez (27 years old)<br />
Xavier Emmanuel Serrano Rosado (35 years old)<br />
Christopher Joseph Sanfeliz (24 years old)<br />
Yilmary Rodriguez Solivan (24 years old)<br />
Edward Sotomayor, Jr. (34 years old)<br />
Shane Evan Tomlinson (33 years old)<br />
Martin Benitez Torres (33 years old)<br />
Jonathan Antonio Camuy Vega (24 years old)<br />
Juan P. Rivera Velazquez (37 years old)<br />
Luis S. Vielma (22 years old)<br />
Franky Jimmy Dejesus Velazquez (50 years old)<br />
Luis Daniel Wilson-Leon (37 years old)<br />
Jerald Arthur Wright (31 years old)Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-969403722930208914.post-89282565271453894082016-05-09T08:03:00.000-04:002016-06-03T02:27:57.180-04:00Today is my birthdayI'm 33 today.<br />
<br />
There are days I realize that I'm not where I wanted to be at this age, and other days when I can see just how far I've come. Those are the good days.<br />
<br />
I have goals and dreams that keep me pushing forward, and things I want to have done. So, in the spirit of it's-my-birthday, I'm making a "40 before 40" list of things I'd like to do and see and accomplish by the time I turn forty. (Plenty of time.)<br />
<br />
Some of the things on my list are small, others are ongoing things. But they are all goals I have that I want to accomplish over the next seven years. After all, it's my list. I can do what I want.<br />
<ol>
<li>Buy a house.</li>
<li>Finish writing the collection.</li>
<li>Write the waiting play.</li>
<li>Get the semicolon tattoo I've been wanting.</li>
<li>Blog twice a week, every week, between now and my fortieth birthday.</li>
<li>Learn a language (Spanish or ASL, preferably. Or both. Both is good.).</li>
<li>Go to a professional women's soccer game.</li>
<li>Make a quilt.</li>
<li>Buy a new car (to replace our poor, reliable Corolla).</li>
<li>Go on an Alaskan cruise.</li>
<li>Take piano lessons.</li>
<li>Volunteer for Habitat for Humanity.</li>
<li>Cut soda out of my diet for good.</li>
<li>Do yoga at least once a week, every week, between now and my fortieth birthday.</li>
<li><strike>Make a family album/scrapbook (multiple, if needed).</strike></li>
<li>Get the Gallifreyan tattoo I've been wanting.</li>
<li>Go see a ballet.</li>
<li>Get an old fashioned card catalog for my office.</li>
<li>Learn Reiki massage.</li>
<li>Go to a writing conference.</li>
<li>Take at least one trip out of the country (preferably Europe).</li>
<li>Read 100+ books in one year. (I started this before my birthday, but there's nothing saying I can't repeat the challenge.)</li>
<li>Visit the <a href="https://www.emilydickinsonmuseum.org/">Emily Dickinson Home & Museum</a> in Massachusetts.</li>
<li>Visit the <a href="http://www.hemingwayhome.com/">Ernest Hemingway Home & Museum</a> in the Keys.</li>
<li>Get the quote tattoo on my right bicep I've been wanting.</li>
<li>Get the quote tattoo on my left bicep I've been wanting.</li>
<li>Meditate inside a Buddhist temple.</li>
<li>Make an herb garden (potted) either in my house or on my patio.</li>
<li>Get a bamboo plant for my desk. (I had one before, but it was sick to begin with, so it didn't make it.)</li>
<li>Take a self-defense class.</li>
<li>Go see an opera.</li>
<li>Attend a con of some kind.</li>
<li>Go on a yoga/spiritual retreat.</li>
<li>Take a mental health day.</li>
<li>Go to a pride event.</li>
<li>Have a home office with a door that closes.</li>
<li>Write a collection of poetry associated with the collection.</li>
<li>Go to an Orlando Pride soccer game. (Or several.)</li>
<li>Write a screenplay.</li>
<li>Visit the Library of Congress.</li>
</ol>
Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-969403722930208914.post-76428771452205396242016-04-29T14:27:00.000-04:002016-04-29T14:27:32.529-04:00I'm a big fan of fresh startsEvery so often, I need a fresh start.<br />
<br />
That's how I've been feeling <a href="http://coffee-stainedwriter.blogspot.com/2016/04/sometimes-its-too-much.html">all month</a>.<br />
<br />
April has been chaotic and frustrating, and has been a month of big changes. I'm looking forward to sharing some of those changes on the blog beginning next week.<br />
<br />
We're drawing a line at the end of April, and on May 1st, things will be different.Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-969403722930208914.post-20781638637771792492016-03-18T08:28:00.000-04:002016-03-18T08:28:02.609-04:00I have rosaceaThis week I had an appointment with a dermatologist, and I was diagnosed with rosacea.<br />
<br />
To be honest, I've probably had it a long time. But because of the kind of rosacea I have, I didn't realize that's what it was. I just thought I had bad skin, and I dealt with it.<br />
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh_EIMZ_NqI2PY_3nnnUU12NBxYJBDTsvAilwQ92PGrRR9kLkqi-oCUmnQ46S4ET2ROzSD0imo2AL2zVOyLqgQm81-ApmEJHAANdeFI21k1Z_y0n7HUykvMZtepVim6ZjG1pdQ6vYDOZjU/s1600/10506633_10152437226008311_8054364236929785427_o.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="214" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh_EIMZ_NqI2PY_3nnnUU12NBxYJBDTsvAilwQ92PGrRR9kLkqi-oCUmnQ46S4ET2ROzSD0imo2AL2zVOyLqgQm81-ApmEJHAANdeFI21k1Z_y0n7HUykvMZtepVim6ZjG1pdQ6vYDOZjU/s320/10506633_10152437226008311_8054364236929785427_o.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Rosacea flare (September 2014)</td></tr>
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My skin was a source of stress for me. It was embarrassing. What's worse is that I also have really sensitive skin (especially on my face), so I couldn't even wear make-up to cover it up. And some days I couldn't even use moisturizer because it hurt. I just dealt with it, and pretended it didn't bother me, and pretended that I didn't assume everyone saw my skin before anything else about me.<br />
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But I have rosacea, and that's what's been causing the redness and acne-like bumps all over my face.<br />
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My doctor gave me the name of an over-the-counter moisturizer he hopes I can use without a bad reaction to my skin, and a prescription to minimize flares. I'm hopeful that the treatment will reduce the bumps and redness, and that my skin will be healthier and happier for it.<br />
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And somehow I'll find a way to manage my symptoms without having to cut coffee from my life. Because, let's be honest. That's just not going to happen.Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0