22 February 2015

Renew your spirit with a birthday text

Today is my dad's birthday.

I texted him this morning.

I'm not usually the type to only text for a birthday, especially when it's family, but in March of last year, I had a conversation with my dad about my "lifestyle choice" as a lesbian, particularly since I'd started a relationship with Bo.

It didn't go exceptionally well.

As a result of that conversation, I haven't really talked to my dad in almost a year. We've spoken a few times since that conversation in March, and texted a few times, but it's all be superficial.

When we spoke, I made it clear to him that it would be up to him to decide how our relationship would proceed. I didn't want to push him if he wasn't comfortable. I didn't want to feel guilty about living authentically. So I left it up to him.

And we haven't really talked in almost a year.

When I texted my dad this morning, I honestly didn't expect a response at all. About an hour later, he texted me back, thanking me for the birthday text. A few minutes later, my phone chimed again.
How is work?
Of all the things he could possibly text--How are you? How are the kids? How are things?--he chose the question with the least emotional connection possible.*

I know my dad pretty well at this point. And I know that the reason he texted that was so he could convince himself that he's tried to have a relationship with me. Since he asked that, he can tell himself that he wanted to know what's going on in my life. He's making an effort.

I call bullshit.

Until now, I have kept my distance from him, but kept the door open if he tried to reconnect. He's my father, and grandfather to the kids. I didn't want to completely cut him off if there was a chance that he would want to make the effort to be in our lives.

It is clear he doesn't want to make that effort. So I'm officially done.

I'm at the point in my life that I don't need extra drama. There's enough chaos in my life on a day-to-day basis that I don't need to add to it. So I'm going to simply let go of the idea (hope?) that my dad would somehow miraculously change and realize that staying connected with his daughter and grandchildren is more important than saving face at church.**

So I am moving on, head high, knowing that I gave it a valiant effort to maintain a relationship with him long after he made it clear that he wasn't willing to put in any effort for the same. This really was a long time coming, to be honest. And something I may tackle in a future blog post one of these days.

I don't know what the future holds. But, for now, as far as I'm concerned, it's over.

*It could be worse--he could have asked about the weather.

**I know. What was I thinking?

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