Renew your spirit with self-care

If you've been reading my blog lately, you know that I've been struggling a bit with anxiety an depression popping back up in my life. I'm lucky to have an amazing support system, though, so I'm doing okay.

But feeling the way I have lately has reminded me how important self-care is in my life.

I am currently the sole breadwinner for our family, using my scribbling to make money for important things like coffee, cookies, and World of Warcraft subscriptions. I adore what I do, and I'm good at it. But it can also be stressful since freelancing income, particularly in my field, can be variable.

Most of the time I can handle the stress that comes with my every day life. I keep pushing through and get things done the way the need to be done, and all is well. But sometimes, like last week, I'm reminded that if I don't take care of myself, I can't take care of everyone else.

So along with all of the get-shit-done, there's an element of stop-and-take-a-breath that needs to happen.

I've gotten away from yoga, which had been helping. So I'm re-committing to yoga regularly, even if it's only once a week to start.

I've also gotten into some bad eating habits (like not enough healthy, whole foods). So I'm re-committing to healthier eating.

I hope that taking some smaller steps toward better self-care now can help keep problems from getting too big later on. Plus, it's nice to feel like I'm spoiling myself once in a while.


What do you do to take care of yourself regularly?

Yesterday was what it was

I intended to post something yesterday. It was our first day home from our trip, and I was optimistic about jumping back into the routine of things.

But then, Bo woke me with the news that a branch had fallen onto our car in the complex parking lot. It dented the front hood and broke through the windshield Final Destination-style.

Here's our hood. There's internal damage, as well, apparently.

Here's the windshield. The branch bounced off the dashboard, as well, so the shop has to check the systems behind the dashboard to make sure there's not any additional damage.

So that's what we did much of yesterday.

Before it rained in the afternoon, just as Bo was driving the (not really fit for driving) car to the shop. It could have been worse. No one was hurt and the damage is repairable. But it was certainly not what we wanted to come home to from our vacation.

I know this is life. Shit happens. And Bo called the insurance company, so we're in the process of getting it all taken care of. It's going to be okay. We'll get the car back in a couple of weeks, good as new, and get back to life as usual. In the meantime, we have another car we can use, so our lives aren't as disrupted as they could have been.

And once everything has settled a bit more, maybe we'll be able to laugh about the fact that Bo parked in a good spot to unload our luggage, and the tree betrayed us.

Renewing my spirit with wedding plans

I've needed things to look forward to lately. I've been struggling a bit emotionally, so I've been clinging to things that make me happy.

Like wedding plans.

Bo and I are getting married in less than three months.*

And that makes me happy.

We've been doing a lot of piecing together in the past few weeks. The invitations are ready to be stamped, assembled, and sent. We have a rough outline of the ceremony that Dantielle (who will be performing the wedding ceremony) is using to plan out the ceremony itself, The cake is ordered and paid for, we have a basic menu planned, and we even have an idea of how we'd like the room set up for the reception.

There are a few things left (Puck and Bo's suits, Tink's shoes, and a few odds and ends), but for the most part, we're ready.

And that makes me happy.




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*Squee!

My body has been rebelling against me

Clara understands the need for naps.

I've been sick. It sort of snuck up on me, and for a couple of days I had a low-grade fever. The whole week I was absolutely exhausted, and it took all my energy just to do what I needed to do every day. You know, like get dressed and stuff.

I'm doing better. Slowly. I'm still incredibly tired all the time, but I'm managing. No fever anymore, which is a very good thing. And naps here and there have been helping with the fatigue.

It's frustrating to feel this tired all. the. time. There's no reason for it. And whether I let myself sleep until I wake up or limit myself to the standard 6-8 hours, I feel as though I've barely slept.

I feel like my body is rebelling against me. No matter what I do or change or try, it doesn't seem to make a difference. I've reached the point that, for now, I'm just pushing through, one day at a time, assuming that it will eventually get better.

Eventually, I will get better.

Renew your spirit with nature in a jar

I have a jar (I think it once had honey in it) on my desk that I call my "nature jar."

When I started collecting stones and crystals and shells, Mimi gave me a jar she had with lots of little crystals and stones she'd collected over the years. I added mine to it, put it on my desk, and it was a nice little connection to nature in my office space.

After a beach day, I added some shells.

Shortly after that, Puck found a "pretty stone"* on the ground and gave it to me for my jar.

One day on a walk through our apartment complex, I found two duck feathers on the grass in beautiful condition. I added them to the jar, too.

My jar  is my way of bringing the outside to my desk, which is particularly important to me since my desk faces away from the patio door. I can't look outside very easily while I'm working, so my jar is my compromise. It keeps me from feeling stir-crazy when I have long days of work ahead of me.

Some days it reminds me to get out of the apartment and into the sunshine. Other days it acts as my sunshine.

And if it gets full, I have another jar waiting in the wings to add to it.




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*A small piece of concrete. But he picked it just for me, so into the jar it went.

I am broken.

Everyone is broken, but I've felt more of my broken bits lately. I've found myself struggling a bit more with depression and anxiety, and having to remind myself out loud that depression lies. (For the best posts explaining depression that I have ever read, please read this and this from Hyperbole and a Half.)

I've struggled with depression and anxiety for as long as I can remember. But I didn't have a name for what I was experiencing until high school. When my parents divorced, I was sent to a counselor. I was in and out of therapy (and on and off medication) throughout high school and college.

I've learned techniques to cope with bouts of depression and periods of anxiety. I know the little tricks that work when I feel it coming on--deep breathing, yoga, going for a long walk, journaling--and the other things I need to do when I'm in the middle of it. I have coping mechanisms that have helped me keep my depression and anxiety largely under control, even when I was going through the divorce from Monty.

After the divorce, once I was settled in Florida, things were lots better. I was in a career I adore, the munchkins had a good, healthy schedule to get to see Monty and myself regularly, and I was settling into a routine. Then, in February 2014, I met Bo, and fell in love. And things became even more wonderful.

On paper, my life is amazing. My job is going well, Bo and I are getting married in less than three months, the munchkins are doing well, and we are working toward our long-term goals as a family. I should be happy and carefree.

But I'm not.

Even in the midst of the joy of my life, I see depression creeping in, reminding me it's there. I get anxiety attacks that make me stop what I'm doing and take deep breaths to calm down.

I know there's no direct cause of it. There's no even in my life that's making me feel this way. But it's something I struggle with. I always have and I always will.

I am broken.

But it's okay because everyone is broken. And even when I'm in a dark corner and thinking that there's no way I can possibly find a way to turn around and walk into the rest of the room, I know that everyone is broken. Some people are even broken in the same way I am. And that gives me hope for myself.

I am lucky enough to have an amazing support system and a woman who loves me and takes care of me, and even wants to marry my broken self. Knowing that Bo, Puck, and Tink love me even when my broken is all I see gives me hope that I will be able to climb out of the dark corners I sometimes get stuck in. They remind me that depression lies. And that gives me hope, too.

From Allie Brosh's blog, Hyperbole and a Half

I'm planning to write more about myself on the blog. I want to talk about what makes me who I am, what's important to me, and how I'm pushing through bullshit to accomplish my personal and professional goals.

I want to show you my authentic self, and sometimes that's going to be the broken bits. But it doesn't make me any less fabulous. Because, as the Bloggess says, you can be broken and magical at the same time.

I'm still here

I haven't been posting as regularly as I would like. Things have been a bit chaotic in my personal and professional lives, which culminated in not feeling well earlier this week.

Things are getting better, little by little. I'm lucky to have an amazing woman in my life who loves me and takes care of me and makes sure I take care of myself. So I'm working on doing what I have to do to be better.