On Leelah Alcorn

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There's a very sad story circulating this week about the death of transgender teen Leelah Alcorn.

Leelah, who was born male, was struck by a tractor-trailer on Interstate 71 in Ohio. Days later, a suicide note appeared on Leelah's Tumblr, which explained her desire to transition, the lack of support, and her desperation because of the situation, which led to her decision to commit suicide.

There has been a lot of discussion about this story already. It may be easy to place blame on Leelah's parents for their lack of support, particularly when it led to such a tragic end. And while I most certainly don't condone that kind of lack of support, neither can I judge them for doing what they thought was best at the time. That's what I do as a parent.

Besides, there is a bigger issue at work here (well, two issues that I want to discuss) than whether or not Leelah's parents should have behaved differently.

The first and most important thing is that we have to do better. There are teens and adults all over this country that die because of who they are. Some take their own lives, like Leelah, because of how others react to them. Others, like Matthew Shephard, are killed because of other people's perceptions of who they are.

There are people dying every day because of small-minded, judgmental people who won't see past their own opinions to offer the support that's needed in these situations.

And we have to do better. We can't let society continue to kill people for being who they are. For wanting to live authentically.

The other issue I want to discuss is the media coverage of Leelah's death.

I am so glad that Leelah's story is being told, and that it's starting and continuing important conversations about what it means to be queer* in today's society. But how many other teenagers and adults have similar stories that haven't been told? How many families bury their trans children using their birth gender and name instead of how they identified? How many families turn their backs when people come out, leaving family members homeless and alone? How many people just like Leelah have no voice in our society?

We have to do better.

With Puck and Tink, I frequently remind them that I just want them to be happy, and to be the people they are on the inside as well as on the outside. I want them to be comfortable in how they identify, and will always do whatever I can to help them live authentically every day.

Because, as a society, we have to do better. As individuals, we have to do better. As parents and siblings and children and friends, we have to do better.

And it has to start right this minute before we lose another precious life.






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*I have chosen to use the word queer in this post as an inclusive term in regards to the LGBTQ community.

The guilt of giving

Image courtesy of winnond / FreeDigitalPhotos.net

It's the holiday season, so there's a big push from charitable organizations for donations. People are more generous around this time of year, and different organizations try to use that generous nature to help fund their causes through the next year.

For the majority of my adult life, I've been not unlike most Americans. I've wanted to give to charitable organizations, but unable. I paid for college on my own (student loans) and had a job that provided for my needs, but just. Unfortunately, I didn't have the money to support these organizations the way I wanted to.

Since changing jobs toward the end of the summer, my situation has changed, and I'm able to give back to my community by supporting organizations that support causes important to me.

The problem now is that there are so many worthy causes. We live in a world where there are many, many people willing to stand up for what they believe in. From the Human Rights Campaign to PETA to Susan G. Komen, men and women work tirelessly to stand up for those who can't stand up for themselves, make a difference in people's lives, and give voice to those who have been censored for too long. And it seems the more causes I discover in my reading and roaming online, the more organizations I discover that work for those causes.

It's wonderful that there are so many organizations, and people can find ways to stand up for causes that are important to them. But when I see the different organizations, and see how many good people are being helped by them, it can be hard to decide where to place your support. How do you decide who deserves* your donations? How do you look at people and animals who truly need help and tell them, "No, I'm sorry. I'm giving support to these groups instead."

I have chosen one organization to donate to during this holiday season (though it will certainly not be the only or last!) based on what I'm passionate about in my life. For me, that seems to be the best way to decide. If it's a cause that I have a connection with somehow based on my own life and experiences, I'm going to want to support it, yes?

There are lots of people doing lots of really great things during this holiday season, and through the whole year. I hope you will stop and think about how you can contribute to worthy causes not only this month, but in four months, six months, ten months.

Do you give to charitable organizations? How do you decide what groups to give to?






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*I used the word "deserves," but I don't mean it in the traditional sense. I know that all of these organizations deserve support for the good work they're doing. But this is the best descriptor for this sentence based on connotation when you have limited support to give and countless organizations to choose from.

Fighting the good fight

My heart sister, Dana, is going through some crap right now. She's up against some infuriating gender discrimination at work, and in the process of standing up for what's right, is facing backlash. (I urge you to go read her story and give her your support--she needs it.)

What she's going through is one of those situations where I knew it was going on and didn't like it, but felt like since it didn't directly affect me and I felt that society as a whole has made good progress, I'd just let it go.

But Dana's story has reminded me that gender discrimination is alive and well in our society. And, not only that, it's gotten damn sneaky.

Gender discrimination is no longer the obvious "You're a woman so you can't vote" variety. Instead it's subversive, taking the form of "jokes" and "opinions" that serve to remind women of who they should be.

In Dana's post about her situation linked above, she quotes Jean Valjean from the sung-through musical Les Miserables: "If I speak, I am condemned. / If I stay silent, I am damned."

That's the crossroads I face now. I've seen this behavior that I know is wrong and damaging, and I've just accepted it as a fact of life. But not only do I now see someone dear to me facing discrimination that should simply not exist in an "enlightened" society, but I have a daughter. And by staying silent, I have become complicit in the society I'm raising her in--a society that still tells women what they should and shouldn't do, and how they should and shouldn't behave. By staying silent, I not only damn myself, but my daughter as well. And my son, for that matter, who would be raised with as many social expectations as my daughter.

So it is time for me to stand up as a true feminist.

When I was young and stupid naïve, I had a specific idea of what it meant to be a feminist. I viewed feminists as women who wanted equality for men and women so that women would have the freedom to choose the life they wanted without being held back by society. Of course, my brand of feminism was stupid limited.

I was one of those, "Feminism is about choice and I choose to follow stereotypical gender roles" kind of women. I believed that women should have a choice and I would choose to be a wife and mother. I thought that's what I wanted.

Yes, feminism is about choice, but it's about so much more than women being able to enter any field they choose. It's about more than women earning equal pay for equal work.

Feminism comes down to marginalization. It's about society (read: patriarchal society) deciding what it means to be a woman, and what's "acceptable" behavior for both men and women.

Remember World War II? Remember when all those ladies on the home front went into the work force to hold their husband's jobs and to build planes and guns and everything else the men needed while they were at war? Then, when the war was over, lots of those women didn't want to give up their jobs. They wanted to keep making a difference in their communities. They realized that they could make a difference, and when they were expected to go back to the kitchen, their response was "Fuck you. Look what I can do." (And then go home and still care for the home and family because Lawd have mercy if a husband was expected to, yanno, do anything.)

Society (again: men) wanted things to go back to the way they were. They didn't want things to change. They didn't want to give up control. When change became inevitable, they retreated, but the mentality still exists.

Unfortunately, this marginalization is such an ingrained part of our society that we often don't see it or realize that's what it really is. It's no longer about keeping women out of the work place entirely, but ensuring that while they're in the work force, they certainly don't ruffle any feathers or upset the delicate manly balance of the way things "should" be. Dana's story is a beautiful (and by beautiful I mean horrific) example of this. And it's not new.

When I was in high school, I struggled with geometry. I loved algebra and did well in it. I can solve for x all day long. But when it came to geometry, I became frustrated. I barely passed that class. And hated every minute of it. It wasn't for lack of trying. Like I said, I enjoyed algebra, and I wanted to "get" geometry the same way.

When I sought help from my (male) math teacher one day after school, he said, "It's okay. Most girls can't do math. Just keep trying so you can at least get a C."

After that class, I shied away from math and science. (I struggled in Chemistry and got similar "help" from my chem teacher, even though I did really well balancing organic chemistry equations.) And if I'd gotten real help from my math and sciences teachers, or if someone had explained that sometimes algebra-minded people struggle with geometry, or been encouraged even the tiniest bit, I'd have been more successful in those classes. Maybe it would've brought my GPA up. Maybe I might have even pursued a more mathematical career!

Instead, I decided I "couldn't" do math because I'm a girl, and it wasn't until very recently that I rediscovered my love of algebra and math.

My children will never be told they are inherently bad at anything. They will be encouraged to try hard and keep pushing themselves so they can become the people they want to be.

There are a ton of strong, independent, good men and women in our world who believe in true equality. Some of them, like Dana, are standing up and making sure that people get called out when it's needed. Others quietly fight the good fight from their homes and communities. Still others are silent.


I have been among the silent women who wants the right things but has been afraid to take action. Well, that's not who I am anymore. We can't count on others to do what needs to be done. We must be responsible for the world we want to create.

Beginning today, right this minute, I will stand and yell and carry signs and advocate and do what must be done so that the only expectations of my children as they grow is that they live authentically.

I urge you to do the same. Stand for what you believe. Make a change. And please never forget that regardless of your choices and your lifestyle, gender discrimination does impact you and the ones you love. Every day.

Fight the good fight.

The Coffee Host(ess): Social Aspects of Coffee

We've heard it often: people offering guests coffee while they chat, a cup of coffee after a meal, inviting a love interest to get a cup of coffee. There is also the reference to a "coffee break" in an office setting, allowing employees to take a break to have the drink, perhaps allowing the caffeine to recharge them for the rest of the day.

The social aspect of coffee may have originated with the social norm of offering food and drink to visitors and travelers to express hospitality. Though much of society has changed, coffee is still offered to visitors; my grandmother, for example, makes a fresh pot of coffee every time her doorbell rings. (If her home doesn't smell like coffee, they're usually on vacation!) Offering a warm drink to company is a sign you, as host(ess) want your guest to be comfortable, feel welcome, and share in what you have at your home.

The first coffee house was opened in the 18th century, and created a central place for people to go and drink coffee for the pleasure of drinking coffee, as well as the public social aspect of coffee-drinking. Since then, coffee has become a common part of social culture, popularized by literature, art, and Friends, as well as the increasing popularity of Starbucks.

Now coffee is often used as a medium for conversation. If friends meet up after having been away for a period of time, their first instinct is often to get a cup of coffee and "catch up."

According to Positively Coffee:

Coffee not only gives us an increased sense of pleasure, and enjoyment of life, but this in turn makes us more than ready to indulge in that most human of activities – social interaction – the sharing of experiences, and the simple but enduring pleasure of enjoying each other's company and conversation.

Thanks to the development of coffee as a social activity, coffee itself has developed. Instead of simply regular or decaf, coffee-drinkers can choose from a wide variety of coffee drinks (or non-coffee drinks) at coffee houses, satisfying their specific tastes while still adhering to the social norm of getting coffee with friends or coworkers.

So the next time you're around, give me a call and we'll get some coffee!