Disconnecting

I've been finding less and less interest in social media lately. I rarely update Twitter and the only reason I really have Facebook is to stay connected with my friends and family in other states.

But as I'm making the effort to be more present, I'm finding the desire to sort of ignore Facebook and Twitter more. As it is, I've stripped my newsfeed to only a few things that show up, most of which is shared links and articles.

I won't delete my Facebook account because, as I said, I use it to stay connected with friends and family. But I'm not going to use it nearly as much. I may check it once a day or post occasionally, and I'll likely still use it to send some pictures to friends and family, but largely, I'll just keep it active to keep it active.

The thing is, I sometimes get caught up in what my friends and family are doing and being unable to be involved in their lives since I live so far away. It makes me feel even more disconnected from them, and makes me miss living in Illinois.

And there have been many times I've seen people's posts and I just shake my head at the frustration. I'm tired of seeing the same kinds of posts from people who aren't doing what they need to do to make their lives better. I'm tired of seeing posts that attempt to make me feel guilty for being who I am (gay or atheist or a single mom) from people who supposedly love and support me.

I'm just tired of it all.

So I will continue to use Twitter occasionally and use the Facebook page I have for work, but beyond that, people who want to know all the intimate details of my life will have to do it the old-fashioned way.

And meanwhile, I'll be living my life instead of posting about living my life.

You forget how to breathe....

I have a cousin who was born very prematurely. When he was born, my aunt and uncle were told that my cousin would likely not live through the night. He spent quite a bit of time in the NICU, and even after he went home, he had to be fed through a tube in his stomach, and was on oxygen.

As he grew, he had limitations, due in large part to the "button" in his stomach (which is what he called it), and his oxygen cord. My grandmother once told me that when he was about three or four, his two older brothers were riding their bikes in the front yard, going back and forth, and even doing simple tricks on a ramp they made. My cousin sat on the porch steps watching them, unable to participate. He didn't complain about not being able to play with them. My grandmother said she thinks it's because he never knew any different. That was how his life was, so he didn't feel he was missing anything. It was what it was.

That was kind of how my life until very recently. I was in a difficult situation, and it simply was what it was. In the moment I didn't realize how difficult it was because it was just the way my life was. I didn't know any different.

Because I couldn't take a breath, I forgot how to breathe. And I didn't realize how damaging it was to me that I wasn't breathing until I took a breath again.

Since coming out, since the divorce, and (most importantly) since Bo*, my whole life has been better. My overall health is better, my mental and emotional health is better, and even my career is better. I am at peace in my life. I have a direction and I'm moving toward it.

Life is good.

Because I didn't know any differently, I didn't realize just how bad things were for me until they started getting better. Now, looking back, I think, "How could I have let [fill in example here] get that bad? Why didn't I do something sooner?"

I didn't because I just didn't realize that it needed done. This was how my life was, and that was all there was to it. And it's only looking back that I see it.

It's similar to having chronic pain. If you've ever struggled with chronic pain due to an illness or injury, you likely know what I'm talking about. After a while, the pain is there so much that you learn to live with it, you adapt, and you really don't notice it unless it gets worse. Then, you find that one medication that works, or that physical therapist who helps, and the pain eases. And you didn't realize how much pain you were in until it subsides.

That's how my life has been. And no amount of praying or church or counseling or talking to friends and family helped until I fixed the root of the problems.

I'm not saying that now everything is perfect. It's not. But it's a helluva lot better than it was, and I'm on track to reach my personal and professional goals. And, as if that weren't enough, I have an amazing woman in my life.

I've taken a breath. And I'm not going back.






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*I used to refer to Bo as Yvaine on this blog. However, Puck and Tink have started calling her Bo, so I decided it would be appropriate to use that nickname here.

Renew Your Spirit Sunday

I used to post Renew Your Spirit Sunday with some regularity. I got away from it, but I think it would be good for me to return to it, not from a religious point of view, but from a mental/emotional spiritual point of view. So it's back.

This week I want to talk about incorporating meditation into my life. While I'm by no means hardcore at meditating, I've been trying to incorporate it into my lifestyle more and more.

I've found that, in the instances in which I do meditate, I feel better and more present in my life. I'm able to let go of the stresses and obstacles that make me clench my jaw throughout the day.

I don't feel quite ready to sit and not think for twenty or thirty minutes at a time, so I'm beginning by doing yoga, and trying to concentrate on my movements and breathing during the yoga sessions. (Plus, I can use yoga to be working toward my health goals.) This will, essentially, be an introduction to meditation for me.

I think once I feel more comfortable with the meditative aspects of yoga, I will continue by doing more traditional meditation (at least when the munchkins are asleep or with Monty). I would like very much to be able to simply sit and be still, and I think meditation will be one path toward that goal.

Hopefully, the yoga, along with other positive steps I'm taking in my life, will help me be much more at peace.

On my nightstand

I've had the best of intentions to read all spring. And as spring has progressed and work has gotten (happily) more intense, reading for pleasure has not been as big a priority.

However, while the munchkins are with Monty for their summer vacation, I'm going to try to set aside some time for reading and get caught up on the books I started this summer and didn't finish. Here's what stacked up on my nightstand for July.

The God Delusion by Richard Dawkins

I started this book some time ago, but haven't gotten very far, and haven't finished it. I very much want to read this book. Here's the thing--I already know what I think about the existence of a supernatural creator being (spoiler alert: I do not believe in god). However, by reading Dawkins (and others) I will be much-better equipped to discuss/debate with others about the existence of god, including being able to articulate arguments against it, and combat statements in favor of god's existence.

One of the most valuable tools we have is knowledge, and books like this can equip me with the knowledge I need to stand strong in my beliefs.

Quiet by Susan Cain

This is another one of those books I started and haven't finished.

I know introversion is a big buzzword these days, and since high school I've sort of struggled with my introversion, especially when people would tell me I just needed to come out of my shell or "just go and meet people" or whatever other extroverted advice they had to offer (with the best of intentions, of course).

I'm hoping that reading Quiet will help me better relate to people who are more on the extroverted side of the scale and maybe "come out of my shell" a bit more. Bo* assures me that staying home for weeks at a time is not the best idea. So maybe reading Cain's book will help me find new ways to be a little more extroverted without it being quite so draining.

The Warcraft War of the Ancients Archive by Richard A. Knaak

I know. My geek is showing.

I play World of Warcraft, and because I was away from it so long when the kids were born, I'm feeling the need to read the lore so I can better appreciate the story of the game. Bo has (almost) all the books in the series, so I'm borrowing them from her.

I don't read a lot of fantasy, so I'm looking forward to this sort of escape this month.

What are you reading? What are you planning to read?






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*Bo is what the munchkins call Yvaine now. I like it--it suits her.

Summer cleaning

Tink likes to help clean. Usually.

I have found that when my home is clean and organized and smells good, I am at peace, happier, and more productive in the office. I do regular cleaning throughout the week to keep the house in order, but every once in a while, I feel the need to do a full, deep-clean of the entire apartment to get the house "back to ready."

I didn't do any spring cleaning this year. I intended to take a few days and deep-clean the apartment when the weather warmed up, but life got in the way, so it didn't happen.

Over the next two weeks I'm going to be doing summer cleaning instead.

In a little over a week, Yvaine is taking the munchkins and I on a little weekend trip, and I want to have the deep-cleaning done before we go. That way, the apartment will be nice and clean when we get back into town after the trip.

The apartment is clean, but there are things that I've been meaning to work on that haven't gotten done, and get ready for the shift in our lives that will occur in August when the munchkins come home to me. It will be a good way to start our autumn.

Do you do seasonal deep-cleaning?

My renewed dedication to living authentically

A couple of weeks ago, a comment was put on my blog. The comment was a link to a blog post from a Catholic blogger who claims to be "struggling with same-sex attraction" and in response to my post "Don't love me anyway." The post was written way back in April, so I'm not sure why the comment is only showing up lately, but it is.

I have read this post a few times (even downloading it with the intention of printing it and making notes in the margins), and have been very conflicted about responding to it. The more I read it, the angrier I became about not only the specifics of the post, but about the whole idea of it in general. Each new idea written by this blogger had me shaking my head, thinking "No, that's not it at all" when she assumed she knew why I reacted the way I did to two people--one of whom is my father--saying they "love me anyway" when I came out to them.

I could write an entire series of posts on this. I could quote the Bible and Biblical scholars and scientists and psychologists. I could spend a great deal of screen space explaining why this blogger's assumptions about my reasoning, thought processes, and what's in my heart is flat-out wrong.

But it just doesn't matter.

I stand by the decisions I have made in my life. I haven't always taken the easy path, but I am committed to living authentically as myself, and raising my children to do the same.

I am gay, and I'm not ashamed of that. I don't feel guilty about living a gay lifestyle. I'm not doing anything wrong.

And yes, I was hurt by the comment from those two people in my life, but not at all for the reasons you think. And I will continue to be hurt by those kinds of comments each and every time I hear them.

I may still address the issues brought up in this post in the future (in a different context than feeling the need to defend myself against the assumptions made in that open letter). But for now, I'll leave the post where it is and know that this open letter is terribly misguided for countless reasons.

As a final thought, I have linked the post above. If you choose to read it and contribute to the conversation, I urge you to be kind in your comments. Stand up for what you believe in, but please don't be ugly or mean when you post. There's already too much ugliness and meanness in the world for people with good intentions to add to it.

No TV for us, thanks

Way back in January I posted about not having a TV. I didn't bring it when I moved, and made the decision not to replace it. The kids watched shows on my tablet on the weekends, and that seemed to satisfy them.

Throughout the spring I became a bit more lax. Work became busier, so I would let the kids watch a show while I was finishing a project, or we would watch something together over dinner. It wasn't the end of the world.

Last week, however, my tablet decided it had had enough. It's not really working anymore, so when I picked the kids up from Monty, I had to tell them they couldn't watch anything. No tablet, no shows.

When the tablet first went out I considered replacing it with a TV, at least in my bedroom. I reasoned that we could do family movie nights in my room, and when the kids were gone, I could watch movies or shows.

But I don't think I will.

It's been five days with the munchkins and no shows (though they did watch Monsters, Inc. after dinner on Monday), and it's been much more peaceful around here. The munchkins play together (mostly) well, and are discovering new and exciting ways of keeping themselves entertained. When they do get loud, they aren't competing with the volume of a show, so it doesn't feel overwhelmingly loud. If I need or want noise (after the munchkins are in bed), I can watch something on my laptop, or listen to music or a podcast.

We may have to readjust our family movie nights (maybe we'll do family game nights instead), but I think keeping our home TV-free is a good decision for the foreseeable future. I don't miss having a TV, and aside from one almost-tantrum from Puck about not getting to watch something this afternoon, the kids don't seem to miss it either.

Things may change in the future. I may end up getting a TV and cable. But for now, I like our show and movie habits just the way they are: virtually nonexistent.

Four stick figures in chalk

Some time ago, Puck, Tink, and I went out on the balcony of my apartment with chalk that Yvaine had given them. I opened the boxes of chalk, dumped them on the cement, and let them play.

Tink drew circles and lines and scribbles (mostly in pink), and Puck drew flower after flower. When I asked him to draw our family, he carefully drew four stick figures. When I asked him who was who in his picture, he pointed to each in turn: me, him, Tink, and Yvaine.

Yvaine and I have been careful not to try and force her on the munchkins. It can take time for them--especially Puck--to warm up to new people, so we've let them take the lead as Yvaine has spent more and more time with them.

That's why it was such a significant moment to me to see those four figures right outside my door. In that moment, Puck revealed the importance of Yvaine in his life. She was no longer my friend or his friend or just someone that has dinner with us sometimes. Yvaine is part of our family. She is as important to Puck as he is to her.

And just like that, our family has changed.

It's not all long lunches and trips to the park

Photo source

One of the reasons I love working from home* is the flexibility that comes with it. Not only do I get to plan my schedule around the kids' schedule, but I have the ability to work lots of extra hours when the munchkins are with Monty. I like that I can take breaks from work for walks in the afternoons or take a morning off to make robot costumes.**

But it's hard, too. Lately, work has been a bit intense (in a good way), and with Puck out of school for the summer, it seems that there's not enough time in the day to get through my task list each day. As it is, I take two days off a month (the first and fifteenth of each month, as long as I don't have any deadlines those days), and the rest of my time off is stolen here and there throughout the days.

One of the challenges I'm facing lately is balancing work with having Puck at home in the afternoons. When he was in pre-K, I had a couple of hours each afternoon to work. Tink was home, but she napped or played independently, giving me largely uninterrupted time to work. Now that Puck is home all day every day, things are a little different. Playing independently is punctuated with toys snatched from each other, pulled hair, and "I'm gonna tell Mama!" screamed from the play room. The blocks of time I have to work are much more fragmented when the munchkins are awake, so I've had to adjust my schedule.

Lately I find I'm much more productive in the morning and at night. I get some work done before the kids get up, while they're eating breakfast, and when they begin to play in the mornings. They're still waking up and excited about the day. Then, when they go to bed, I can work until my body tells me to stop and I go to bed.

I'm glad to be able to adjust my schedule like this, but it can be hard to maintain the balance, too. There are days when it seems my time is consumed by revisions and clients, and other days when it seems I've barely spent any time at my desk at all.

I tell myself it balances out, not only during the days when the munchkins are with me, but because I can play catch up when they're with Monty. And that self-proclaimed balance is what keeps me going.

I know in my heart that I can't imagine doing anything else. I love my job, and I adore the clients I work with, especially right now. It's been hard lately, making time for everything, but at the end of the day (even if that comes at one in the morning), I look forward to getting up and doing it all over again.

My life is not all long lunches and trips to the park, but some days are. And that makes it worth it.






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*I know some parents work outside the home and love it. Some parents work outside the home and feel guilty. Some parents work inside the home and hate it. This post is in no way making judgments of other parenting situations. When it comes to our kids, we do what we have to do. I am lucky enough to be in a situation I love and that works for my family. That's all. No judgment here.

**We did make robot costumes this week, actually. It was fun.

In Flanders Fields

In Flanders fields the poppies blow
      Between the crosses, row on row,
   That mark our place; and in the sky
   The larks, still bravely singing, fly
Scarce heard amid the guns below.

We are the Dead. Short days ago
We lived, felt dawn, saw sunset glow,
   Loved and were loved, and now we lie
         In Flanders fields.

Take up our quarrel with the foe:
To you from failing hands we throw
   The torch; be yours to hold it high.
   If ye break faith with us who die
We shall not sleep, though poppies grow
         In Flanders fields.

--John McCrae