Now that summer is over....

Now that we're into September, I'm shifting gears mentally into the fall. There's a lot we're looking forward to for this fall.

I'm launching a website.

I'm expanding my freelancing work to include specialized marketing services, so I'm building my website. I was hoping to have it up by the beginning of the month, but I ran into some complications, so now it'll be up at the end of the month instead. Either way, I'll have the website up and running soon, along with content to generate inbound leads.

I'm looking forward to it, and I think it'll be good for my career to get some private clients. I've kind of reached a plateau with the clients I currently have. So I'm ready to take the next step with my work and build a client base creating content marketing for a niche market. It's a demographic I'm passionate about, and I'm looking forward to immersing myself in that community in order to build clients and help businesses build their own customer bases.

We're taking a family vacation.

I graduated from college ten years ago, so this year's Homecoming at my alma mater will be a reunion Homecoming. I thought it would be a good opportunity to take Bo up to Illinois to meet the rest of my family, some of my friends, and to see the town I consider to be my hometown.

The original plan was that it would be a trip just for Bo and me, but now that the munchkins are homeschooled, they're coming with us, and we're turning it into a big field trip for school. Bo and I are making booklets for the kids to take with them that will include worksheets (math problems, geography, etc.) and activities (mazes, puzzles, journal prompts) to do each day. By the end of the trip they workbook will be complete. When we get back we'll print some pictures from the trip and the booklet will be part scrapbook and part workbook for school.

We're continuing to homeschool.

The kids have been out of public school since April, and we started officially homeschooling on June 1st (though we started unofficially before then). Now that it's autumn and public school is in full swing, we're continuing to push forward with homeschooling. Bo handles math and science, Monty handles social studies, and I handle Language Arts (reading, writing, spelling, grammar, etc.).

It's a dynamic that works well for us, and I love being able to teach what Puck needs to know by allowing him to write short stories. The kids are thriving academically, and we have the flexibility to do things like taking a family vacation in October since we can make workbooks to take with and continue their education even when they're in the car.

Autumn is going to be busy, but happy.

The scribbling family

One of the reasons I wanted to meet Bo was because I knew she was a writer. I thought that, if nothing else, we could become writerly friends. I lucked out and ended up with an amazing wife instead.

But there has always been the writing.

Life has been chaotic in the last couple years, especially with the kids' health and my own health. So writing has taken a back seat a bit (outside of my work, at least). But now that things are finally settling down and we have a good routine, Bo and I are both working toward making more time for writing. We've set up a desk for her in the bedroom, and I've adjusted my daily schedule a bit to give her a few hours every afternoon during which she can write (or do whatever else she wants to do).

Sometimes you have to be
a superhero to write a story.

It's not only Bo and I that write stories. Puck is a writer, too.

In order to teach elements of stories (protagonist, antagonist, etc.), I had Puck fill out worksheets to develop characters and a plot, and then write a story. He loved it. He's written two stories (about dragons), And last week, he saw a toy gryphon and said, "I have an idea for my next story."

I think he's a scribbler, too.

I love that our family is full of writers. I love seeing the creativity when Puck and Bo are developing their ideas. I love sharing story ideas with them and talking about how to make them better.

Most of all, I love seeing the pride and joy on Puck's face when he reads us his latest story.

I'm so proud of him, and I can't wait to see what else he's going to come up with this school year.

In the meantime, Bo and I will be scribbling away, as well.

After a month of marriage....

Bo and I have been married for one month today. There's been a lot going on in our lives, and it has made the month seem to pass more quickly. So here we are, a month after the magical day, and I haven't even written about it.

A. Harris Photography

We held our ceremony at a beautiful outdoor location that is connected to a public golf course. The reception was held in the venue's banquet room.

A. Harris Photography

The weather was perfect: nice, but not hot, and not too bright that we needed sunglasses. And yes, I did wear blue suede t-strap heels with my dress.

A. Harris Photography

We wrote our own vows, and Bo's sister, who is a notary public, performed our ceremony. I'm glad it was someone we knew who could speak to our relationship instead of someone whose ceremony would have been far more generic.

A. Harris Photography

Afterward, we had a beautiful reception indoors. With all the food you could imagine, and our simply delicious cake. The top layer was Boston creme pie (mostly for the kids), and the bottom layer was pumpkin spice with cream cheese filling.

A. Harris Photography

Oh, yeah. We also had a s'more station. It was the kids' favorite. Kind of mine, too.

A. Harris Photography

It was a beautiful day, and I don't think it could have gone any better than it did. After all, what could be better than your very own princess at your wedding? We have memories to last a lifetime, and amazing pictures as evidence.

And now, one month later, we have settled into our routine, and life is good.

Happy, monthiversary, my Bo. I love you.

On marriage licenses and equality

Bo and I picked up our marriage license this morning in preparation for our wedding in about three weeks.

We didn't have any problems getting the license, and were congratulated by two staff members. In fact, the woman who helped us was even apologetic that the license says "groom," and said we could cross it out if we wanted to.*

And I couldn't help but thinking that I'm glad we don't live in Kentucky, where Kim Davis made the decision that her personal beliefs gave her justification to willfully defy a ruling by the U.S. Supreme Court and refuse to issue marriage licenses in order to prevent from "participating" in the sin that is same-sex marriage.

I haven't blogged about Kim Davis. I've shared articles on Facebook here and there, and talked about it quite a bit with Bo. But I've been sort of avoiding talking about it here until more news came out. I thought it would be settled by now and I'd be able to write about it with a better understanding of the overall situation.

In case you don't know what's been going on, here are the highlights:

• Kim Davis, a circuit clerk in Rowan County, Kentucky, is a born-again Christian (she was saved four years ago) in a conservative denomination that condemns homosexuality and same-sex marriage.
• Following the ruling by the Supreme Court, Davis made the decision to not issue marriage licenses because her name is on the application (as the clerk), and she believes that her name on the licenses makes her party to gay marriage and culpable in these people's sins.
• Despite Davis's efforts to legally allow this ban through her claim that issuing the licenses discriminates against her religious practices, all of her appeals failed, leading SCOTUS to issue a one-line ruling upholding the previous ruling that said she must issue licenses.
• When she continued to refuse, including instructing her deputy clerks that they were also not permitted to issue licenses, she was held in contempt of court. The judge told her that she would not be jailed if she would allow the deputy clerks to issue licenses in her stead, which she refused.
• She has been jailed for contempt of court. The judge told the deputy clerks that they could either issue licenses or join her in jail. Five of the six (the one hold-out being her son) agreed to issue licenses.
• Kim Davis is still in jail, and has attempted to file a new appeal.

Image source

There are a lot of factors in this case. On one hand, Kim Davis has a sincerely held belief that by issuing marriage licenses to queer couples, she is not only condoning the sin/behavior, but is equal part in it because her name is on the form. She is signing off on the marriage. I can see how she interprets that as her acceptance of same-sex marriage as an institution in the United States. Her signature makes the union legal in the county, so her signature says, "Yes, these two individuals are married."

That's one of the things she has a problem with. If her name/signature wasn't on the form, I believe she would still have refused to issue licenses, but that's a separate issue.

However, she's overreaching quite a bit. Not only did she take it too far by refusing to allow the deputy clerks to issue licenses, thereby putting their jobs in jeopardy (not to mention risking jail time), but she is also taking it too far by claiming that issuing licenses to same-sex couples (which, let's be honest, is the main component of her position as an elected official) constitutes religious discrimination.

I fail to see how issuing licenses with your name on them discriminates against you as a religious individual. So did the court.

Because, when you really look at the situation, you have to remember that the founding fathers established a concept called "separation of church and state," for this very reason. Allowing government officials, like county clerks, to make decisions and enact policies based on their individual religious beliefs and practices is dangerously close to sanctioning a state church. (Kind of the whole reason people left England to begin with, yanno?)

When she goes to work, she is no longer a private citizen. She is an elected official. Her religious beliefs don't matter because she wasn't elected and is not employed by the church or even by Christians. She is beholden to the law, when she took an oath** as an elected official, she swore to uphold the law and the Constitution, which now includes marriage equality in the nation. She can't just not follow certain laws because she doesn't like them or agree with them. Our nation doesn't work that way.

And, just as importantly, legalities of her duties aside, her rights only extend as far as someone else's. When she refused to issue marriage licenses, she violated the rights of the couples who were refused. And she can't do that, either.

One of the many problems with this situation is that, as an elected official, she can't just be fired. There's a whole process to remove her from office through impeachment. But she is finally being held accountable for her failure to do her job. And I hope that Rowan County (and Kentucky) continue to follow through with that.

Of course, the conservatives are having a field day now that she's in jail. She's become a martyr for the cause, with her husband even comparing her to the Biblical figures of Silas and Paul who were imprisoned for their adherence to their beliefs.

No. No.

She's not a martyr. She's not a conservative Christian hero. She's a small-minded woman who let her personal feelings and beliefs justify breaking hte law and is now being called to account for it.

Mark 12:17, y'all.

She may be a Christian, and may believe that she must ultimately answer to her god. But even Jesus recognized and accepted that there are laws and expectations set up on earth that Christians must adhere to. You can't claim god as a justification for breaking the law and defying a court ruling.

She's learning that the hard way. It's too bad that most of her fans won't really get the lesson, anyway.




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*Bo said she doesn't care that it says groom. All she cares about is that it's legal for us to get married.

**The teachings of her denomination encourages members not to take oaths for this very reason, actually. When the oath conflicts with religious beliefs, it causes this kind of dilemma.

Renewing my spirit with wedding plans

I've needed things to look forward to lately. I've been struggling a bit emotionally, so I've been clinging to things that make me happy.

Like wedding plans.

Bo and I are getting married in less than three months.*

And that makes me happy.

We've been doing a lot of piecing together in the past few weeks. The invitations are ready to be stamped, assembled, and sent. We have a rough outline of the ceremony that Dantielle (who will be performing the wedding ceremony) is using to plan out the ceremony itself, The cake is ordered and paid for, we have a basic menu planned, and we even have an idea of how we'd like the room set up for the reception.

There are a few things left (Puck and Bo's suits, Tink's shoes, and a few odds and ends), but for the most part, we're ready.

And that makes me happy.




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*Squee!

Why I'm going to be Mrs. Bo

When a man and woman get married, the assumption is that the wife will take her husband's last name. There are variations, of course. Some women keep their maiden names for various reasons (professional, children from a previous relationship) or the couple will hyphenate. However, in today's society, it is still a very rare thing for the husband to take the wife's name.

Non-hetero marriages are different. When two women or two men get married, both last names are up for grabs. They may hyphenate or keep their respective names (especially if they are not out at work, for example). However, the conversation has to happen in order for the couple to decide what they are going to do.

Bo and I had a quick conversation about it and discovered we were both on the same page. I am taking her last name. And there are several reasons for it.

When Monty and I divorced, I kept my married name. The kids were young, and it made more sense to me at the time to have the same last name they do. In addition, I didn't want to have my father's last name, and moving to something different would have been unnecessarily complicated. So I kept my married name.

Because of that, when Bo and I got engaged our choices were for both of us to keep our respective names, for her to take the last name of my ex-husband, or for me to take her last name. Neither of us wanted to hyphenate, partly because of the length of her last name.

I didn't want to keep our respective last names. One of the joys of being able to legally get married in the U.S. is to legally pronounce that relationship to the world, including with a name change. I can legally take the name of my wife as an outward sign of our love and devotion. Why wouldn't I do that?

So that left us with one of us taking the other's last name. Bo wasn't comfortable taking my last name because it's not my maiden name. (For some reason, she doesn't want to share my ex-husband's last name. Who would have guessed....) I agreed with her, and realized that I didn't really want it, either.

Yes, it's the kids' last name, but the kids are comfortable in the idea that not everyone in their family has the same last name they do. They understand that family is as much love and desire as it is name and blood. So it doesn't bother me at all anymore to have a different last name than theirs.

In addition, my current last name is representative of something that isn't me anymore. It's from a very different time in my life, It's appropriate that my new last name will be much more who I am.

I'll have to practice signing the new name.

And with that, work expands

I'm spending a little time training a new coworker today.

Bo left her previous job, and is now working with me as an administrative manager. In addition to handling a lot of the paperwork-y stuff, she's going to be doing a lot of wonderful things that will help things run more efficiently and help me get more work done faster (which means more time for trips to the beach with the munchkins!).

She's not really working with me yet. More of a helping-out-on-a-volunteer-basis sort of thing for now. But we anticipate her officially starting in June.

That being said, it's nice to have someone else to lean on for some of this stuff so I can work on other things. It makes me feel much, much more productive, and I have someone else who gets to see, first-hand, some of the chaos that comes with what I do every day.

Freelancing can be isolating, especially since my clients are all online. I spend my day on the computer emailing and researching and writing. Now that Bo is working with me, I have someone to connect with, get feedback from, and talk to.

I'm really happy about it.

I'm really happy about the direction my career is headed.

It's going to be a damn good year.

On being cured

Over the weekend, Bo and I went up to the panhandle where her parents live for an appointment.

Before I met Bo, she was diagnosed with Hodgkin's lymphoma. She underwent an aggressive chemotherapy treatment, and since going into remission about four years ago, has gotten the all clear on all of her PET scans.

That's good news in and of itself.

At the appointment with her oncologist last year, Dr. F said that because she was out of the danger zone, all her scans had gone well, and she's active about taking care of herself, he was comfortable with doing only one more scan and releasing her a year early (with the provision that she continue blood work for a while, just in case).

Shortly after that, we found out that Dr. F was leaving his office, and an interim oncologist was coming in. Just in time for what was planned to be Bo's last PET scan and results.

We were nervous about the last appointment because we didn't know if Dr. L would continue with Dr. F's plan to release Bo early, or if she would want to finish out the scans instead.

At the appointment, we got the all clear on the PET scan results. Another year of being cancer-free for Bo.

And Dr. L decided to go ahead and release Bo, under the provision that she have an appointment to check for damage caused by the chemotherapy and connect with a treatment center where we live just in case follow-up is needed.

That night, we went to dinner with Mimi and Papa G to celebrate because Bo has beat cancer.

She's cured.

Bo has told me that, for a long time, her life was on hold. She has said that, during her treatments, she lost that time. And through remission, there was always that fear that the next PET scan would be the one to raise a red flag and start everything all over again.

But now she's cured. She fought the good fight and won.

And now she can make that mental shift into the next phase of our lives in which she's healthy and with us, and cancer can be something that happened instead of something that is happening. She beat it.

Congratulations, Bo.

Fuck you, cancer.

Tink has two moms, but Puck has a Mama and a Bo

Puck and Tink adopted the name "Bo" for Bo one day after the realization that she didn't have a nickname like other people in their lives. I have a name, but they call me Mama. Monty has a name, but they call him Daddy. But Bo didn't have another name for them to call her.

So "Bo" was born.

We've been very open about how the munchkins have viewed Bo in their lives. we didn't want to force them to see her a certain way or push them into a certain type of relationship. Instead, we let things progress the way they progressed.

Now, when we ask Tink how many mamas she has, she answers that she has two, and that they are "Mama and Bo." She is proud to consider Bo a mom, and I think Bo is proud of it, too.

When asked the same question, Puck, on the other hand, tells us he has a mama and a Bo. He keeps the titles very separate, even if it's clear that his relationship with Bo is a mother-child relationship. And that's fine, too.

We're not caught up in how the munchkins see Bo. What matters is their relationships with her, and both of the kids love her. We are Bo's herd, and that's good enough for me.

Renew your spirit with an anniversary

May 2014

Bo and I celebrated our anniversary last week.

We were lucky enough to get to celebrate on a beautiful cruise ship on the ocean.

The trip was a much-needed break for both of us, and I'm so glad we were able to get away to celebrate and reconnect.

I'm so thankful to have Bo in my life.

I reached out to her on a whim, not really expecting a response or anything to come of it (except maybe friendship), and I got so much more than I could have hoped for. Not only has she become a wonderful companion to me, but has become a wonderful addition to the kids' lives, as well.

She is their Bo.

They adore her, and know that she will always be there to give them the love and support they need. She is firm when she needs to be, but is always up for silly games and adventures to add to our memories.

December 2014

She has become a positive force in their lives, and fits in so well with our little family it's as if she's always been here.

She is my Bo.

We found each other when I was in a darker place than I am now. It wasn't a bad place, and I was working hard at moving in the right direction, but there were some areas in my life that were still challenges to me. She met me where I was and helped me become a better person. She helped me work toward my goals and dreams.

She is what is best about me.

We've been through a lot over the past year, but we've been through it together. It's been hard and scary and rewarding and wonderful, and we've done it together, every step of the way.

And we have big plans for our future together as a couple and as a family. We'll be getting married this fall, we want to travel (a lot), and we have set specific and achievable goals that we're working toward every day.

March 2015

There have already been challenges along the way, causing us to re-evaluate our goals and timeline, but we haven't stopped moving forward. We've had to shift things around, but we're still making progress.

And through every step, we've grown together, and stronger as a couple. We lean on each other to get through the challenges and obstacles we face, knowing we can be strong for each other when it's needed.

I love Bo. And I feel so lucky to get to spend the rest of my life with her.

We complement each other in ways I didn't think could happen (some of them very quirky, too). We are like-minded in areas that are important, but have enough differences to keep discussions interesting, and to keep each other balanced. I feel that she is my perfect fit.

It has been a wonderful first year, and if this year has been any indication, there's nothing but good to come.

Getting back into the office after an actual factual vacation

Nassau, Bahamas (March 2015)
Photo credit: Bo

Last week Bo and I took a little vacation to celebrate our first (dating) anniversary. We went on a cruise, which included stops in Cozumel and Nassau.

It was wonderful.

But it was also strange.

I haven't taken an actual factual vacation in quite a long time. I've taken time off here and there, but have remained in communication with work. In fact, most of the "vacations" I take usually include working at some point while I'm away. But this time I cleared my desk, put my phone away for the trip, and spent our five days disconnected from the things that have been wearing down on us lately.

Cozumel, Mexico (March 2015)
Photo credit: Bo

The first day was a bit of an adjustment for me. I'm not used to being disconnected from work (and from everything else). I kept wanting to check my phone for email and other messages.

By the end, though, I managed to forget about work and everything that's been waiting for me to come home and get back to reality. I was able to be in the moment with Bo, and I had an amazing time. Not only did we get to see new places (like Mayan ruins) and try new things (artichoke crepe), but we made new friends (Like Aviv, who will be coming to our wedding!) and incredible memories.

March 2015
Photo credit: RCCL Explorer of the Seas photographer

Bo and I have lots of places we want to visit together, and this trip was the first of many, many more that will fill photo frames and scrapbooks.

But now that we're back, I'm wading through emails and work messages and getting back into the office. I'm jumping back into work, task by task.

I've responded to the urgent messages and sent a few questions that need answering.

I've made my task list for the rest of the week.

I've updated my day planner with important dates, deadlines, and notes.

And I'm looking forward to using my new Explorer of the Seas coffee mug for coffee, even if it doesn't come with a smile from Aviv.

Preparing for vacation

Bo and I are taking an actual factual vacation at the beginning of March. It will be my first real vacation in a while, and our first non-family holiday vacation together ever.

It's going to be wonderful.

It's a vacation we've been planning for and looking forward to for several months. Now that it's so close, we're doing the final preparations for being away from the house (though Nanny will be house-sitting for us), and I'm getting ready to be away from the office.*

It's been a bit strange preparing for this vacation. I've taken trips and vacations before, but since they're usually to visit family, I almost always take work with me. Or, at the very least, take my laptop so I can do work if I need to. But that won't be possible this time because of where we're going. So I really do have to clear my desk over the next several days.

However, every step I take toward this vacation is reminding me how fun and relaxing and exciting it will be. With all the chaos that has been in our life lately, it's a much-needed break from reality.

We're down to single digits in our countdown, and I can't wait to close up my office and escape for a few days!

When was the last vacation you took? Where did you go? What did you do?






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*This is an actual factual vacation, so I'm clearing my desk and not taking any work communications until we get back. I've even pre-arranged it with my clients.

Passing as straight

December 2014

Earlier in my relationship with Bo, we went to get breakfast at a cute little diner one Sunday. It was next to a non-denominational Christian church, and it was clear from the atmosphere that it was a regular stop for many of the church folks. That being said, there was no indication that the restaurant should have been considered a "Christian" restaurant. Throughout our meal, we made an important discovery.

Our waitress was not actually waiting on us.

It started out as a normal meal, for the most part.* She took our order, not making eye contact with either of us. She seemed rushed and as though she was flustered. We decided at the time that it was probably due to the large number of customers that were there at the time, and she seemed to be one of only a couple of servers in the restaurant that morning. She was just busy, right?

However, as the meal progressed, we noticed other things. It took a long time to get our meal. Despite the fact that she was buzzing around to other tables checking on customers, she never once checked on us to see if we needed anything (including refills on our drinks). When we were finished eating, the manager cleared our table and dealt with our check. We could clearly see that the waitress was still on her shift, but the manager had taken over our table by that point.

It was weird.

Afterward, Bo and I discussed it, and we came to the uneasy conclusion that the waitress was not comfortable waiting on us because of our relationship.

Yes, we were in a relationship, but she had no way of knowing that. We weren't holding hands or making out over our breakfasts. We could have just as easily been two friends or cousins or sisters who went out to breakfast together.

She assumed our relationship, then changed her behavior toward us based on that assumption.

During the course of the discussion about it, Bo indicated that it was probably an assumption that came from Bo's appearance more than the dynamic of the two of us together. Bo has short hair and wears clothes that some consider masculine. She told me that when people give us sideways glances, trying to determine if we're together, it's most likely that they're looking at her.

She said, "You pass as straight."

I suppose she's right. I typically keep my hair a bit longer (chin length, at least), and wear clothing that is generally identifiable as feminine. I'm not a "girly girl," but definitely on the feminine side of the spectrum.**

I have mixed feelings about this. On the one hand, I suppose it's beneficial to be able to "pass" as straight in general society. I don't get stares when I'm in public, and there's little awkwardness from people who are uncomfortable around the queer community.

On the other hand, I am not ashamed of who I am, so I don't feel the need to hide any part of that. There is part of me that wants people to look at me and identify me as a lesbian because that's how I identify myself. I don't try to hide that part of me because I feel no need to.

Of course, in an ideal world, it wouldn't matter. People would mind their own business instead of judging others based on who they love and with whom they share their beds.

I mean, if people spent half as much time advocating for the marginalized in society as they do shaking their fists at The Gays, our society would be a whole helluva lot better. But that's a post for another day.






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*In looking at the experience in retrospect, it's clear now that there were more indications of the waitress's feelings about us than we noticed at the time. As this post is retrospective, it will address those indications.

**Because gender is a spectrum, not binary. That's just how it works.

The year is changing already

Toward the end of the end of the year, I was optimistic about 2015. Bo and I had plans that would be set in motion this year that would mean very good things for our family. It was going to be our year.

Then, in the first couple of weeks of January, things changed, which has led us to re-evaluate our plans, shift some things, and adjust short- and long-term plans. Nothing bad or catastrophic has happened. In fact, I think even the challenging aspects of what has changed will ultimately lead to a good overall outcome.

One of the significant changes is in Bo's job. Since I have been planning to shift/expand my career to the new business, she is going to step into the business as a graphic designer. Not only will it be good for her career path, but will allow the business to do more than I would be able to do on my own.

This has presented a challenge, but has moved up the timetable for the business which I think will ultimately be a good thing. The business will be up and running by the end of the summer (and some of my blogging will be moved to the business website once it's up, so watch for that change this summer!). I'll have the opportunity to do more of what I really love (targeting marketing content) in a market I'm passionate about (holistic health and wellness), and I'll get to do it with Bo!

Of course, there is also the upcoming wedding. (So exciting!) We're planning to get married in October of this year, so our summer will be spent getting ready for that. We've already been talking about some aspects of our wedding and making some preliminary plans (venue, colors, type of reception).

It's going to be a damn good year.

Love wins!

Image source

On January 6, 2015, it became legal for same-sex couples to marry in the state of Florida. (Hooray!) There have still been some complications, but it is legal, and Orlando welcomes marriage equality.

This is wonderful news. Florida is finally on the right side of history,

On January 11, 2015, Bo asked me to marry her, and I said yes.

We love each other fiercely, and as cheesy as it sounds, I truly believe that she is my other half. I can't imagine sharing my life with anyone else the way I have shared it with her.

So we're going to get married.

We haven't set a date yet, but we have some ideas of what we'd like to do for our wedding, as well as when. Right now we're just in the beginning-est planning stages, thinking about the wedding in more abstract terms, especially because of some significant career changes that are happening later this year (more on that in the next couple of days).

In the meantime, we're enjoying the excitement and anticipation of this new adventure in our life together, and sending lots of thank you messages to friends and family.

It's going to be a good year.

Happy happy to Bo!

Tink and Bo
Labor Day 2014

Yesterday was Bo's birthday. We had lunch together, but she and I will be celebrating today. And then we'll have cake when the kids come back from Monty's next week.

Last night before bed, Bo told me she had a good birthday. Her last few birthdays were a little rough, so I'm glad that this year was different.

Bo deserves to be happy. Every day.

Happy Birthday, Bo. May this year be your best yet.

Renew your spirit with the last beach day

Yesterday morning, Bo and I got up early and drove out to Daytona Beach. I'd never been and she went to school out there, so it was a great opportunity for me to explore a new beach and get a little glimpse into Bo's life before we became her herd.

It was chilly--I wore long pants and a long-sleeved shirt--but it was a wonderful walk on a beautiful beach. There are lots of shops on the boardwalk (though they were all closed since we were there so early), and we plan to go back to visit those shops and the local flea market/farmer's market nearby.

It was probably our last visit to the beach until spring, which made it all the more special. It was a reminder that fall is here (or rather, what fall means in Florida, which is late summer in much of the nation), and that winter is not far behind.

Walking along the beach and getting excited about visiting again in the spring was exactly what I needed this weekend.

Now I feel ready for the busyness this week is bringing.

Still out....

Today is National Coming Out Day.

I have been out since early 2012, unashamed of who I am and how I live my life. I am a lesbian, and I am living authentically, raising my children to live authentically.

But coming out is still important.

The LGBTQ community has gotten a lot of great news lately. More than half of the states in our country have marriage equality, giving this basic right to a significant percentage of the population. More and more, people are not afraid to live authentically, and when they come out, they are met with support and love by friends and family members.

But coming out is still important.

Because there are still many states--including my own home state of Florida--that do not allow same-sex marriage. There are people who have decided that they're own prejudices should determine the rights of others where they live. And they need to know we're not going away just because they don't like us. We are here and deserve rights and we aren't afraid of who we are.

And coming out is still important.

Because there are people--particularly teenagers--who can't come out because they would be disowned or kicked out of their homes or risk being physically assaulted by people who are supposed to love and support them in all things.

I have been extremely lucky. I wasn't disowned by my family,* and have found incredible support and love from friends and Bo and her family. But I know that there are so many who aren't as fortunate as I have been.

So because they have no voices, I will be their voice. I will speak for them and fight for them and show them that there is love and support in this world. It is not all ugly and intolerant. There are 35 states that are working to prove that.

Coming out is still important, and always will be.






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*There are those who have distanced themselves from me since I came out and since Bo and I started dating, but it was done quietly.

Why conceptual gayness is different from practical gayness

When I came out to people, they were largely supportive. In fact, people I thought might disown me or turn their backs on me didn't. Some people were confused and sad and angry, but they seemed to accept it.

And then I started dating, and things shifted.

What was once a non-issue became an issue. People who had once been comfortable discussion marriage equality and LGBTQ rights with me were suddenly nervous about the topics, or were much harder to get in touch with.

A couple of friends seemed to drift away entirely, and this has prompted me to think about conceptual gayness and practical gayness.

For the purposes of this post, "conceptual gayness" refers to someone being gay but not in a relationship. For the purposes of this post, "practical gayness" refers to someone who is gay and in a relationship.

There can be a bit of a shock when someone comes out as gay, even if they are not already in a relationship. Saying you're gay is a shift in thinking for family and friends, but it's manageable. It's just something you are.

But when you make that shift to practical gayness, and show that not only are you gay, but you have every intention of living a "gay lifestyle," people can no longer ignore the fact that you're gay or pretend you're still straight and single. You are really gay.

It's a strange shift because, to me, there was no shift. I was the same person I always was. The only difference was that I was in a happy, healthy relationship. When I said I was gay the first time, I meant it, after all.

And still, conceptual gayness and practical gayness makes things different, I guess.

Is this what people mean when they say they're not opposed to gays as long as they don't "flaunt it"? I have heard people (I know) say, "What you do in the privacy of your home is your business, but don't throw it in my face." Does the public declaration of my relationship constitute flaunting my sexuality?*

Here's the thing: I'm not in the closet anymore. And it irritates me that those in my life who claimed to be supportive of that are now balking at the fact that I closed the closet door behind me.

I haven't changed. I'm still Puck and Tink's mom. I'm still a writer. I'm still mildly addicted to coffee.

I'm just me in a relationship with an amazing, beautiful, wonderful woman whom I love very much. I am gay in the conceptual and practical sense.

And it shouldn't be any different.






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*Let's pretend we don't see teenage (straight) couples climbing all over each other and making out in public, oblivious to the world around them. Because that's different from me holding my girlfriend's hand in public.

When life is good

Sorrow (Woman by the Table, Crying Woman), 1892
Jozsef Rippl-Ronai

I've gone through a lot of changes in the past few years. Between coming out, divorcing Monty, relocating to a new state, and meeting Bo, it's been a bit chaotic in my life for quite some time.

Things are settling now, but with the lack of chaos and mini-crises to focus on, I find myself once again struggling with anxiety and, to some extent, depression.

To many who know me, it's not a secret that I struggled with depression and anxiety in high school and college, and following the births of my children. It was hard, but I was able to get the help I needed to overcome the worst of it, and I now have tools I can use to cope with these feelings when they come up again. (Because it's a lifelong struggle.)

When life is busy and chaotic, my mind doesn't have time to think about depression and anxiety. I'm too busy doing everything that needs to be done to get through each day. It's only when things settle--when life is good--that those feelings and thoughts begin to creep back into my mind.

Now that things are significantly more settled in my life--and are unlikely to drastically change in the next few years--I find myself feeling a bit more anxious. Life is good, so my head has decided to play tricks on me.

Right now the anxiety is minor, and really only in my periphery. But it's there, and I know that if I don't use the tools and support I have to head it off now, it could be much more difficult to work through later.

So now that things are less chaotic, I'll be taking the time I need for myself to take care of myself. I'll be eating better, exercising regularly, and leaning on Bo (and the rest of my support system) to remind me that depression lies.

Life is good.